TRIBES - USA
book by Alan Jeskin
lyrics by Alan Jeskin
Alan Jeskin
September 29, 2023
i
CAST :
Stan……………………40ish, over-the-hill news producer looking to get through the day’s assignment
Jason ………….…….…………..late 20’s, ambitious reporter looking to boost ratings of his focus group
Elaine…….……….………….early 20’s, bi-racial, brash, culturally extreme left, focus group Panelist #1
Florence…….………….………….early 50’s, outspoken college professor, culturally far left, Panelist #2
Jason………….……………early 40’s, race conscious African-American dad, culturally left, Panelist #3
Clara………..………..…………late 30’s, Latina, content mother of two, culturally center-left, Panelist #4
Clayton…..……….…….………………………….30-ish, optimistic engineer, cultural centrist, Panelist #5
Cristy……..…….……..……………………………….…30-ish, cheery doctor, cultural centrist, Panelist #6
Craig………..……..………………………………….….30-ish, stoic cop, culturally center-right, Panelist #7
Florence…..…………….………..early 60’s, conservative Christian grandma, culturally right, Panelist #8
Frank……..………..……..……50-ish, conservative writer and podcaster, culturally far right, Panelist #9
Eric……….………..…..………20-ish, gun-toting white nationalist, culturally extreme right, Panelist #10
TIME :
Present
PLACE:
Polling Station, Anytown, USA
ii
Contents
iii
Contents
1
1
3
8
15
19
27
30
38
44
47
57
64
65
65
69
80
87
91
104
112
iii
ACT ONE
Scene One
STAN directs stagehands arranging eight blue director’s chairs outside polling station during Election Day, November 2016. In the background, VOTERS stand in line to vote. JASON walks up to producer.
JASON
Stan, what are you doin’? This is not the set-up we discussed.
STAN
Yeah, I know, but I had second thoughts. I figured we would use just the blue chairs. No need to amplify the differences between the panelists.
JASON
Stan, my man, how many on-location focus groups have we done together?
STAN
I don’t know – eight, nine?
JASON
We’ve done ten. And how did we do ratings-wise?
STAN
OK, I guess.
JASON
No Stan, nobody watched them. They all sucked. They were boring. You get eight people giving the politest version of their opinions, and the audience tunes out after five minutes. I’m not gonna do another set like that.
Today’s election is unlike any other in American history. You got two candidates who could not be more different. You got a barely likeable, battle axe of a politician who’s been running for president since she was six years old. Then you got your charismatic, tangerine-colored former reality TV star. You got an electorate that is more divided than ever, and politics is like tribal warfare right now. Conflict is exciting. That’s what people want to see. Why would we want to downplay that?
1
STAN
We don’t want to downplay conflict, but we don’t want to amplify it either, do we?
JASON
Sure we do! Why wouldn’t we?
STAN
How about because we’re a news organization and not the Jerry Springer Show.
JASON
Jerry Springer? Really? This is a political focus group we’re doing. How rowdy do you think that can get?
No wait, scratch that.
Look, Stan – my man – all I’m asking for is color-coded chairs. I promise there will be no shouting, no swearing, no fighting, no baby momma drama, no paternity test reveals…
STAN
(sighs)
Alright, Jason, you win. But if this goes sideways, it’s on you.
(to stagehands)
OK guys let’s do the color-coded set.
(STAGEHANDS rearrange the set with ten chairs in wide semicircle facing audience. from left to right – chairs 1 through 3 are blue, 4 through 7 are purple, 8 through 10 are red.)
JASON
Now we’re talkin’. Let’s take this up a notch.
(JASON smiles broadly. 1. Turn It Up.)
2
IT’S MONOTONOUS AND BORING.
YOU’RE NODDING OFF OR YOU’RE SNORING.
IT’S ENOUGH TO DRIVE YOU INSANE.
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
WE NEED TO FIND TIME FOR US TO ESCAPE
THE TEDIOUS AND THE INANE.
WE NEED TO CREATE THOSE MOMENTS THAT MAKE
THE DOPAMINE RUSH TO YOUR BRAIN.
WE NEED TO BE MORE EXCITED,
MORE INTRIGUED, AND MORE DELIGHTED.
WE’RE DESPERATE TO BE ENTERTAINED.
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
(Chorus)
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
CUE THE MUSIC, THE LIGHTS AND THE VIBES.
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
BRING THE PASSION, AND HEAT FROM THE TRIBES.
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
BRING THE RHYTHMS, THE BEATS,
THEN HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS
AS THIS VENUE OF OURS COMES ALIVE!
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
(Verse 2)
IT’S TWENTY SIXTEEN ON ELECTION DAY.
CONDITIONS COULD NOT BE MORE RIGHT
FOR US TO PREPARE THIS STAGE IN A WAY
TO PROMOTE A PARTISAN FIGHT.
SOCIALISTS AND THE SUPER WOKE
VERSUS NEOCON AND ALT RIGHT FOLKS.
WE’RE GONNA GET FIREWORKS TONIGHT!
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
BLUE CHAIRS FOR THE LEFT, RED CHAIRS FOR THE RIGHT,
PURPLE FOR THE FOLKS IN BETWEEN.
SOME OF THEM BRILLIANT, AND SOME NOT SO BRIGHT,
SOME HIGH-MINDED, SOME DOWNRIGHT MEAN.
SOME THOUGHTFUL AND INTROSPECTIVE,
SOME SHALLOW WITH NO PERSPECTIVE,
BUT ALL WILL FIT THE TRIBAL THEME.
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
3
(Chorus)
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
CUE THE MUSIC, THE LIGHTS AND THE VIBES.
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
BRING THE PASSION, AND HEAT FROM THE TRIBES.
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
BRING THE RHYTHMS, THE BEATS,
THEN HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS
AS THIS VENUE OF OURS COMES ALIVE!
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
(Bridge)
LET’S START WITH TEN CHAIRS, EACH ONE A SMALL SLICE
OF OUR POLITICAL SPECTRUM,
NUMBERED ONE THROUGH TEN MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT.
NEXT STEP – FIND PEOPLE TO FILL THEM.
SEATS FOUR THROUGH SEVEN – MILD MANNERED CENTRISTS,
SMART AND EVEN-TEMPERED AS WELL.
ENGINEER, TEACHER, SOCCER MOM, DENTIST.
IN OTHER WORDS, BORING AS HELL!
SEAT THREE ON THE LEFT, SEAT EIGHT ON THE RIGHT,
PARTISANS, BUT NOT BATTLE-SCARRED.
CALM, BUT PASSIONATE AND WILLING TO FIGHT
IF THEIR BUTTONS ARE PUSHED REAL HARD.
SEAT TWO ON THE LEFT AND NINE ON THE RIGHT,
PURE HARDLINERS, BOTH CUT AND DRIED.
TWO TRIBAL ZEALOTS WHOSE GREATEST DELIGHT
IS ENGAGING THE OTHER SIDE.
SEAT ONE AND SEAT TEN, THE FEISTY EXTREME,
VITRIOLIC, IF A TAD SLOW.
THESE LOW BROW FIREBRAND MISFITS ON EACH TEAM
WILL TURN THIS SET INTO A SHOW.
(Chorus)
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
CUE THE MUSIC, THE LIGHTS AND THE VIBES.
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
BRING THE PASSION, AND HEAT FROM THE TRIBES.
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
BRING THE RHYTHMS, THE BEATS,
THEN HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS
AS THIS VENUE OF OURS COMES ALIVE!
4
(BACKGROUND: TURN IT UP!)
(JASON faces the audience as if speaking to a camera. STAN ushers the centrists into seats 4 through 7)
JASON
Gooood afternoon, I’m Jason Proctor outside Polling Station Seven in Wexler County. It’s Tuesday, election day twenty sixteen, the final day of the historic contest between Hillary Clinton and Donald J Trump for the presidency of the United States. My producer is rounding up ten volunteer voters to give their opinions on election issues – four Independents, three Democrats, and three Republicans. We’ll start with the independents.
(JASON walks back to the centrists.)
JASON
May I ask your names and occupations?
CLARA
(smiling)
My name is Clara, I’m a manufacturing supervisor and a single mom.
JASON
(to Clayton)
And you sir? Name and occupation.
CLAYTON
(smiling)
My name is Clayton. I’m an engineer, and I’m single.
JASON
(to Cristy)
Ma’am?
CRISTY
(smiling)
My name is Cristy. I’m a doctor at University Hospital. I’m single.
JASON
OK, looks like this focus group is turning into a dating show.
5
(to Craig)
You sir. Name and occupation. Marital status is strictly optional.
CRAIG
(smiling)
My name is Craig, I’m a police officer, and I’m married with two kids.
JASON
(deadpan)
Craig, you’re married? Oh no! You’re on the wrong show, buddy. Just kidding.
(to the panelists)
So, thanks for volunteering to answer some questions for us today. I’ve gotta say up front that you are the four cheeriest voters I’ve seen all day. Most people who stand in line for an hour to cast a ballot are not in such a good mood. Why so happy?
CLARA
As a first generation American on my mother’s side, I’m happy to be in a country where I can vote without fear and know my vote will count.
CLAYTON
Democracy’s been around for less than one percent of human history and even today, less than ten percent of governments are true democracies. So, having the privilege to vote and have it count makes us more fortunate than ninety-nine point nine percent of all humans who have ever lived. That’s cause for celebration.
CRISTY
I’m like Clara – first generation American on my mother’s side. I’m happy because I can express my preference for who will lead my country and my voice will be heard. This is not the case where my mother is from.
JASON
Ok, I’m overdosing on happy here. You got two first generation Americans, and an engineer who is a historical statistician – all giddy about voting. Craig, balance me out with just a tiny bit of good old fashion cop cynicism. Lines too long? Voting machine didn’t work?
6
CRAIG
Nope. It’s all good. I’m happy for the privilege. My only complaint is too many people don’t bother voting and then they bitch when they don’t like the people who get elected.
CLAYTON
I agree. Only half of registered voters actually cast a ballot.
CLARA
That’s pretty pathetic. Between early voting and mail-in ballots there’s no excuse not to vote.
JASON
Ok, so now you guys are starting to sound like a cheesy public service announcement.
(CRISTY stands up. 2. Make it Happen with Your Vote.)
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2-Make It Happen with Your Vote
JASON
No, wait. Seriously?
(Verse 1)
CRISTY
HOW DO WE THE PEOPLE FLEX PEOPLE POWER,
WHETHER CENTRIST, ALT RIGHT OR WOKE?
HOW DO CITIZENS LAY CLAIM TO WHAT’S OURS?
YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH YOUR VOTE.
THE FOUNDING FATHERS’ INTENTIONS
IN ALL THE WORDS THAT THEY MENTION,
IN EVERY VOLUME THAT THEY WROTE,
THEY ASK THAT YOUR INTERVENTIONS,
YOUR AGREEMENTS AND DISSENTIONS
ARE MANIFESTED BY YOUR VOTE.
(Verse 2)
CLARA
HOW DO WE PROTECT OUR DEMOCRACY?
KEEP THREATS OF TYRANNY REMOTE?
PREVENT SLIDING INTO AUTOCRACY?
YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH YOUR VOTE.
THE FLOURISHING OF OUR NATION
REQUIRES FULL PARTICIPATION
OF EVERYONE HERE IN THIS BOAT
TO CHART THEIR BEST DESTINATION
GRAB A PADDLE AND A STATION.
YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH YOUR VOTE!
(Verse 3)
CLAYTON
HOW DO YOU HONOR OUR FOREFATHERS’ DREAMS?
AND KEEP FREEDOM’S PROMISE AFLOAT?
THROUGH THE TEMPEST SEAS OR THE QUIET STREAMS?
YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH YOUR VOTE!
AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION
AND KEEN CONSIDERATION
WE SELECT OUR LEADERS AND WE HOPE
THEY ASCEND TO THEIR NEW STATION
AND DELIVER INSPIRATION
YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH YOUR VOTE!
8
(Bridge)
CRISTY
IF YOU WANT THINGS TO CHANGE
CLAYTON,CLARA AND CRAIG
MAKE IT HAPPEN
CRISTY
OR TO JUST STAY THE SAME
CLAYTON,CLARA AND CRAIG
MAKE IT HAPPEN
CRISTY
IF YOU’RE GIVEN A CHOICE
CLAYTON,CLARA AND CRAIG
MAKE IT HAPPEN
CRISTY
YOU SHOULD SEND OUT YOUR VOICE
CLAYTON,CLARA AND CRAIG
MAKE IT HAPPEN
CRISTY
THROUGH THE BALLOT PROCLAIM
WHETHER SUNSHINE OR RAIN
I WILL NOT TAKE A PASS
AND JUST SIT ON MY ASS
I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
AND YOU’LL HEAR IT TODAY
CLAYTON, CLARA, AND CRAIG
MAKE IT HAPPEN
CLAYTON,CLARA AND CRAIG
MAKE IT HAPPEN
(Verse 4)
CRAIG
(slow tempo, near acapella for dramatic effect)
SO NOW IT’S HILARY OR DONALD J
THE DIFFERENCE IS STARK, SO TAKE NOTE
9
(build intensity)
TO CHOOSE THE FREE WORLD’S NEW LEADER TODAY
YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN..
(build to finale)
CRISTY
SAID ONLY YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN..
CLARA
YOU GOTTA MAKE IT HAPPEN…
CLAYTON
YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH YOUR VOTE!
JASON
OK, people, you all are waaay to happy. We need some conflict here or I’m going to get fired. Let’s try this – for each of you, who did you vote for today and why?
CLARA
I voted for Hilary because I think she’s more qualified than Trump.
CLAYTON
Hilary for the same reason. Hilary is a lot more qualified than Trump and will make a much better president.
CRISTY
Same answer. Hilary.
CRAIG
This was a tough one for me, but I voted for Trump because I think he’s stronger on immigration, the economy, and support for law enforcement. He’s not what I would call a polished statesman, but I’m sure he’ll get there with time in the job.
JASON
I’m sure he won’t but love the optimism. Ok, thank you centrists. Looks like my producer has some partisans here to spice things up. Two for the Red team. Name and occupation?
RACHEL
My name is Rachel and I’m a retired school bus driver and grandmother.
(JASON points Rachel to Red seat number 8)
10
FRANK
I’m Frank, and I’m a conservative podcaster.
(JASON gives Stan a thumbs up and points Frank to Red seat number 9)
JASON
And two for the blue team.
LAMAR
My name is Lamar and I work for the DMV.
(Jason points Lamar to Blue seat number 3)
FLORENCE
My name is Florence and I’m a professor of Women’s Studies at Central University.
(Jason points to Stan, pats his own heart and points Florence to Blue seat number 2)
JASON
OK, partisans, unlike our independents, there should be no mystery about who you voted for today but tell us anyway and tell us why.
FLORENCE
I voted for Hilary of course. She’s the most qualified person that has run for the presidency in my lifetime. Also, Trump is unfit for the job and unworthy of it.
LAMAR
I voted for Hilary ‘cause Trump’s a racist gangster.
RACHEL
I voted for Trump because he’s pro-life and stands up for Christian values and religious freedom.
FRANK
I voted for Trump because he’s going to take on the deep state and restore the country back to greatness. That, and Hilary is thoroughly corrupt. If she wins, she will be the final liberal straw that breaks this country’s back.
11
JASON
Ok, so the partisans do not disappoint. They are bringing the heat. The sentiments I’m hearing from the four of you are a lot more intense and a lot less circumspect than those from the four independents. What would you say to those who feel you may be too partisan, too disparaging of the other side?
FLORENCE
I’d say this election is a fight to preserve our democracy or lose it. We cannot be partisan enough.
FRANK
Stakes are too high to be a centrist. You gotta pick a side and go tribal, man.
(STAN ushers Eric and Elaine to Blue seat number 1 and Red seat number 10. JASON looks at each with eyebrows raised, looks over at Stan and does a dab.)
JASON
Ok so since we are clearly going tribal, let’s introduce the final members of the Red and Blue tribes.
(To Eric)
Your name, who you voted for, and why.
ERIC
My name is Eric. I voted for Donald J Trump to make America great again.
JASON
(pointing to the holstered Glock pistol on Eric’s thigh)
Eric, I see you’re packin’ heat there. Did you expect to have to shoot your way through some hostile voters to get to the ballot box today?
ERIC
Hey, you never know right? You gotta be prepared. This is an open carry state, so I open carry just in case. Second Amendment!
JASON
Eric, I hear the words coming out of your mouth, buddy. But I have no words of my own to respond.
12
(JASON walks away from Eric toward Stan and slowly mouthes the words ‘what the f***?’ Stan shrugs. JASON stops in front of Elaine.
Okay, young lady – your name, who you voted for, and why.
ELAINE
My name is Elaine and I voted for Jill Stein because of her strong support for Black Lives Matter.
(All LEFT and centrist panelists silently express their shock and consternation. ERIC and FRANK laugh out loud and high five one another.)
JASON
Umm, Elaine, some may say you wasted your vote considering Jill Stein has no chance of winning the presidency. What do you say to that?
ELAINE
Win or lose, you have to vote with your heart.
JASON
I hear the words coming out of your mouth, young lady, but once again, I have no words of my own to respond.
(to the six partisans)
So, Frank was just saying, for this election everybody must pick a side and go tribal. Do all of you on the Red and Blue teams feel that way?
SIX PARTISANS
(in unison)
Absolutely!
(RACHEL stands up. – 3. Go tribal.)
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(Verse 2)
FRANK
TODAY WE FIGHT TO TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY
AND RESTORE THOSE GREAT DAYS OF OLD.
TODAY WE FIGHT FOR GOD’S LAND OF THE FREE
AND HOME OF THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD.
(Chorus)
RACHEL AND FRANK
WHEN THE STAKES ARE RUNNIN’ HIGH
EVERY VOTE IS DO OR DIE.
(BACKGROUND: GO TRIBAL)
YOU STAND TALL AND PICK A SIDE
FOR YOUR COUNTY’S SURVIVAL
(BACKGROUND: GO TRIBAL)
YOU GO TRIBAL.
(Verse 3)
LAMAR
TODAY WE FIGHT TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD
TO RIGHT ALL THE WRONGS OF THE PAST.
TODAY WE FIGHT ON FOR EQUAL JUSTICE
SO WE CAN ALL BE FREE AT LAST.
(Verse 4)
FLORENCE
TODAY WE FIGHT FOR REAL MEANINGFUL CHANGE,
FOR WHAT’S JUST, WHAT’S RIGHT, AND WHAT’S TRUE,
FOR BLACKS, FOR WOMEN, THE POOR, THE PLANET,
AND FOR L-G-B-T-AND-Q.
14
(Chorus)
LAMAR AND FLORENCE
WHEN THE STAKES ARE RUNNIN’ HIGH
EVERY VOTE IS DO OR DIE.
(BACKGROUND: GO TRIBAL)
YOU STAND TALL AND PICK A SIDE
FOR YOUR COUNTY’S SURVIVAL
(BACKGROUND: GO TRIBAL)
YOU GO TRIBAL.
(Bridge)
SIX PARTISANS
THE POWER OF THE CLAN CANNOT BE DENIED
WHEN OUR COMBINED FORCE OF WILL IS APPLIED.
TOGETHER IN UNION WE FIGHT AS A TRIBE
TO ACHIEVE A COMMON GOAL.
WHEN WE NEED TO DRIVE OUR IDEALS TO THRIVE,
OR NEED TO FIGHT JUST TO KEEP THEM ALIVE,
ALL OUR INSTINCTS SAY STICK WITH THE TRIBE.
YOU CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR SOUL.
CRISTY AND CLAYTON
JUST BEWARE TRIBAL BATTLES MAY BE WON,
BUT THE TRIBAL WARFARE IS NEVER DONE.
TURNING TRIBALISM TO HATE FOR SOME,
AND HATE EATS YOU ALIVE.
WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW IS THAT EVERYONE
WANTS FREEDOM, LOVE, AND SOME TIME IN THE SUN.
WE’RE ALL JUST HUMAN WHEN THE DAY IS DONE,
MEMBERS OF JUST ONE TRIBE.
(Verse 5)
ERIC
Nope!
TODAY WE FIGHT TO RECLAIM WHAT IS OURS,
OUR BIRTHRIGHT, AND OUR DESTINY.
A WHITE NATION BUILT BY WHITE CHRISTIAN MEN
AND FOR WHITE CHRISTIAN PROGENY.
(Verse 6)
ELAINE
Uh uh!
(ELAINE points to Eric.)
TODAY WE FIGHT NEO NAZIS WITH GUNS,
(ELAINE points to Frank.)
WHITE PRIVILEGED MEN SO OUT OF TOUCH,
(ELAINE points to Rachel then to Craig.)
BIBLE THUMPING GRANDMAS, RACE BIASED COPS,
(ELAINE points to Cristy, Clayton, and Clara.)
AND CENTRISTS WHO SMILE WAY TOO MUCH!
15
(Chorus)
SIX PARTISANS
WHEN THE STAKES ARE RUNNIN’ HIGH
EVERY VOTE IS DO OR DIE.
(BACKGROUND: GO TRIBAL)
YOU STAND TALL AND PICK A SIDE
FOR YOUR COUNTY’S SURVIVAL
(BACKGROUND: GO TRIBAL)
YOU GO TRIBAL. YOU GO TRIBAL
YOU GO TRIBAL!
JASON
OK, so now that the centrists and I are sufficiently terrified, let’s continue. You all have told us who you’re voting for and why. Next question is what are your concerns if the other candidate wins – the one you are not voting for?
Let’s start with the Purple team. Clayton, you voted for Clinton. Any significant concerns if Trump wins?
CLAYTON
I’m a little concerned because I don’t think Trump has the experience, judgement, or temperament to be an effective president. But if he surrounds himself with the right people, it could work out. Plus, our institutions are robust enough to limit how bad things could get.
JASON
(sarcastically)
Right.
(to Craig)
Craig, you voted Trump. Any significant concerns if Clinton wins?
16
CRAIG
Nothing significant with Hilary, but Bill being back in the White House with way too much time on his hands – that could be a problem.
JASON
(impersonating Bill Clinton)
Craig, I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
(in his own voice)
OK, Red team, significant concerns if Clinton wins today?
FRANK
Hell yeah! How much time we got?
(FRANK stands. 4. Ambition in a Pantsuit and Heels.)
17
4-Ambition in a Pantsuit and Heels
(Chorus)
FRANK
SHE PLANS, SHE PLOTS SHE WHEELS SHE DEALS,
PUSHING A LOT OF LEFT-WING IDEALS,
BUT ALWAYS CONCEALS WHAT SHE REALLY FEELS,
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS.
ERIC
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS?
RACHEL
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS.
(Verse 1)
FRANK
SHE’S THE EVILEST EMPRESS OF FEMINIST PRIDE,
ENTITLED, BOSSY, SINISTER, SNIDE
SKETCHY SINCE THE NINETIES WHEN HER LAWYER FRIEND DIED,
BUT THE RULES DON’T APPLY, SHE GOT THE FBI
CLAIMING THAT HIS DEATH WAS JUST A SUICIDE,
BUT IT ALL SEEMED FISHY, SHE HAD SOMETHING TO HIDE.
SO SHE DID WHAT SHE ALWAYS DOES – SHE LIED
ERIC
DID WHAT SHE ALWAYS DOES – SHE LIED?
RACHEL
DID WHAT SHE ALWAYS DOES – SHE LIED.
(Verse 2)
FRANK
FAST FORWARD TO BENGAZI WHERE HER PEOPLE TRIED
PROTECTING OUR EMBASSY, BUT FOUR OF THEM DIED
WAITING FOR SECURITY SHE NEVER DID PROVIDE,
EVIDENCE OF NEGLIGENCE SHE CANNOT BRUSH ASIDE.
AND THEN YOU GOT THE ISSUE THAT CAN NEVER BE DENIED, DESTROYING ALL THE EMAILS THAT HE EVER TRIED TO HIDE. SETTING ALL THE DOCUMENTATION RULES ASIDE. EVEN FOR THE EMAILS THAT WERE LABELED CLASSIFIED.
ERIC
EVEN FOR THE EMAILS THAT WERE LABELED CLASSIFIED?
18
RACHEL
YES, EVEN FOR THE EMAILS THAT WERE LABELED CLASSIFIED.
(Chorus)
SHE PLANS, SHE PLOTS SHE WHEELS SHE DEALS,
PUSHING A LOT OF LEFT-WING IDEALS,
BUT ALWAYS CONCEALS WHAT SHE REALLY FEELS,
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS.
RACHEL AND ERIC
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS.
(Verse 3)
FRANK
SHE’S TAKING ALL THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY FOR A RIDE.
I ‘LL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT AND I’M FRANKLY HORRIFIED
HOW IT IS ALL YOU LIBS WOULD ACTUALLY DECIDE
TO GIVE BILL CLINTON AND HIS SCARY ASS BRIDE
OF FRANKENSTEIN A PASS GETTIN’ BACK INSIDE
THE WHITE HOUSE WHERE NO DOUBT THEY WILL PRESIDE,
SHE THE BOSS BONNIE TO HIS WOMANIZING CLYDE,
SPREADING THEIR INCREDIBLE CORRUPTION FAR AND WIDE.
I EVEN HEARD SHE LIKES TO WORSHIP SATAN AS HER GUIDE,
KIDNAPING CHILDREN INNOCENT AND TEARY-EYED,
SEXUALLY ABUSING THEM UNTIL THEY’RE TRAUMATIZED,
COOKING AND EATING THEM UP WITH FRENCH FRIES.
IF SHE BECOMES PRESIDENT, JUSTICE DIES.
ERIC
IF SHE BECOMES PRESIDENT, JUSTICE DIES?
RACHEL
IF SHE BECOMES PRESIDENT, JUSTICE DIES.
(Chorus)
FRANK
SHE PLANS, SHE PLOTS SHE WHEELS SHE DEALS,
PUSHING A LOT OF LEFT-WING IDEALS,
BUT ALWAYS CONCEALS WHAT SHE REALLY FEELS,
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS.
RACHEL AND ERIC
RACHEL AND ERIC
19
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS.
(Verse 4)
FLORENCE
(to Frank)
GOOD LORD, YOUR PERCEPTION OF REALITY IS SKEWED,
YOU GOTTA BE MORE CAREFUL OF THE SOURCES THAT YOU CHOOSE
FOR INFORMATION YOU CONSUME TO SHAPE YOUR VIEWS,
BREITBART, DAILY WIRE, AND YES FOX NEWS
ARE PLACES WHERE REALITY AND REASON LOSE.
TRUTH, FACTS, AND HONESTY ARE CONSTANTLY ABUSED,
LIKE CLAIMING HILARY STEALS KIDS FOR SEX AND FOOD.
COLLUDING WITH THE DEVIL? DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE,
BUT THAT’S SOME BATSHIT CRAY-CRAY YOU JUST SPEWED.
ELAINE
(to Lamar)
DID SHE SAY, “BATSHIT CRAY-CRAY HE JUST SPEWED?”
LAMAR
YEP, SHE SAID, “BATSHIT CRAY-CRAY HE JUST SPEWED.”
(Verse 5)
FLORENCE
HILARY BY FAR IS THE BEST CANDIDATE,
WITH A BOSS RESUME YOU CAN’T REPLICATE.
TWO TERMS AS FIRST LADY, SIMPLY FIRST RATE.
AS NEW YORK SENATOR, PROVED SHE WAS GREAT.
TOP NOTCH AS SECRETARY OF STATE,
THEN KICKED TRUMPS ASS IN ALL THREE DEBATES.
ELAINE
(to Lamar)
SHE KICKED TRUMPS ASS IN ALL THREE DEBATES?
LAMAR
YEP, KICKED TRUMPS ASS IN ALL THREE DEBATES.
(Chorus)
FLORENCE
SHE PLANS, SHE PLOTS SHE WHEELS SHE DEALS,
BUT DOES IT TO ADVANCE VERY NOBLE IDEALS
20
WITH EXPERIENCE, MOXIE, AND RIGHTEOUS ZEAL.
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS.
ELAINE
(to Lamar)
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS?
LAMAR
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS.
(Verse 6)
LAMAR
NOW LET’S DISCUSS TRUMP SO WE’RE NOT CONFUSED
ABOUT WHOSE BAD BEHAVIOR WE CAN’T EXCUSE,
STARTING WITH HIS BIGOTRY AND RACIST VIEWS.
HE STEREOTYPES, WOMEN, BLACKS AND JEWS.
THE LIST OF VIRTUES HE LACKS INCLUDES
HONOR, SELF-CONTROL, AND RECTITUDE.
A DRAFT DODGING, SELFISH, AND RECKLESS DUDE,
CONTRACTORS, BANKERS, AND LAWYERS ACCUSE
HIM OF BEING A DEADBEAT – WON’T PAY HIS DUES.
THROUGH INCOMPETENCE AND CAPITAL MISUSE,
BANKRUPT FOUR-TIMES BY NINETEEN NINETY-TWO.
SPENT YEARS MARINATING IN THE TABLOID NEWS,
CHEATING ON HIS WIVES LIKE NOTHING TO LOSE,
WITH TWENTY-FIVE WOMEN CLAIMING SEXUAL ABUSE.
ELAINE
(to Lamar)
TWENTY-FIVE WOMEN CLAIMING SEXUAL ABUSE?
LAMAR
YEP, TWENTY-FIVE WOMEN CLAIMING SEXUAL ABUSE.
(Verse 7)
LAMAR
HE’S SCANDALOUS AND CORRUPT THROUGH AND THROUGH.
EVERY-MOVE-MADE IS A CON OR A RUSE
TO FEED HIS GREED FOR MORE MONEY TO MISUSE.
KING OF SCOUNDRELS FROM HAIR TO HIS SHOES.
MALIGNANT CLOWN WE NEED TO REFUSE
AND SEND BACK TO THE HOLE FROM WHICH HE OOZED,
LIKE A THICK BLACK ODIOUS CON MAN’S BREW,
21
INTOXICATING HIS DEPLORABLE CREWS
OF XENOPHOBIC DIMWITS WITH LOOSE SCREWS,
CHRISTIANS, CONSERVATIVES AND FOLKS WHO CHOOSE
TO VOTE FOR A MAN WHO PLANS TO ABUSE
THEIR TRUST BECAUSE HE DOESN’T SHARE THEIR VIEWS.
ELAINE
(to Lamar)
DID SHE SAY HE DOESN’T EVEN SHARE THEIR VIEWS?
LAMAR
THAT’S RIGHT, HE DOESN’T EVEN SHARE THEIR VIEWS.
(Verse 8)
FLORENCE
COMPARED TO TRUMP AND HIS MALEVOLENT WAYS,
HILARY EVEN ON HER WORST OF DAYS
STILL HAS VIRTUES THAT ARE WORTH OUR PRAISE.
POISED TO ASTOUND, IMPRESS AND AMAZE,
MOTIVATE, LEAD, ASSESS AND ENGAGE
FROM OVAL OFFICE TO THE WORLD STAGE.
THE BEST TO RESET AND TURN A NEW PAGE.
ELAINE
(to Lamar)
THE BEST TO RESET AND TURN A NEW PAGE?
LAMAR
THE BEST TO RESET AND TURN A NEW PAGE.
(Chorus)
FLORENCE
SHE PLANS, SHE PLOTS SHE WHEELS SHE DEALS,
BUT DOES IT TO ADVANCE VERY NOBLE IDEALS.
WITH EXPERIENCE, MOXIE, AND RIGHTEOUS ZEAL.
AMBITION IN A PANT SUIT AND HEELS.
ELAINE AND LAMAR
AMBITION IN A PANT SUIT AND HEELS.
LAURA
SHE PLANS, SHE PLOTS SHE WHEELS SHE DEALS
22
FRANK
PUSHING A LOT OF LEFT WING IDEALS.
BUT ALWAYS CONCEALS WHAT SHE REALLY FEELS
LAURA
SHE DOES IT TO ADVANCE VERY NOBLE IDEALS,
WITH EXPERIENCE, MOXIE, AND RIGHTEOUS ZEAL
LAURA AND FRANK
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS
RACHEL, ERIC, LAMAR, ELAINE
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS
LAURA AND FRANK
AMBITION, AMBITION, AMBITION, AMBITION
AMBITION IN A PANTSUIT AND HEELS.
JASON
Well, there you have it. The partisan take on the opposition. Both sides seem to agree Hilary is ambition in a pantsuit and heels, but the red team also thinks she’s the bride of Frankenstein who molests kids before eating them with a side of fries. The blue team thinks Trump is the King of scoundrels pulling the wool over the eyes of his dimwitted xenophobic supporters. Anyone from the purple team care to comment on this last exchange?
CLAYTON
I would. I thought the name calling was excessive and polarizing. Constructive criticism is useful, but this kind of mockery is counterproductive.
JASON
Oh, c’mon Clayton, mockery is so much fun though. Like, you know, yo’ mamma so fat jokes. Those are funny, right?
CLAYTON
They’re hilarious… on a playground, but not for adults engaged in political discourse.
JASON
Clayton, I hear you buddy. That is definitely NOT some bat shit cray-cray you just spewed.
Moving on, looks like the election results are rolling in. As we know, it’s’ not about who gets the most ‘people-votes’ across
23
the country. It’s about who gets the most electoral college votes from states across the country. Two hundred and seventy votes is the magic number. Clinton has a lock on two hundred electoral college votes from blue states like CA and NY. Trump has a lock on a hundred seventy-nine from red states like TX and LA. So, it’s all about the one hundred fifty-nine electoral college votes from twelve purple states. States like North Carolina, Virginia, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin..hold on… Hillary just won North Carolina folks!
(Blue team celebrates, Red team despairs)
..Trump just won Ohio!
(Red team celebrates, Blue team despairs)
Hilary has won Virginia and Colorado!
(Blue team celebrates, Red team despairs)
Trump is declared the winner in Florida and Iowa!
(Red team celebrates, Blue team despairs)
Hilary just won Nevada!
(Blue team celebrates, Red team despairs)
…hold on. Pennsylvania and Wisconsin have been called for Trump. Trump has surpassed the two-seventy votes needed. He’s won the presidency. He’s the man, he’s the one. He’s hit the home run! He’s gonna be the president! Son of a gun!
(Red team goes wild, Blue team despairs)
RACHEL
(looking up, hands raised to the sky)
Thank you, Jesus!
FRANK
(to Florence)
Looks like Ambition’s gonna have to trade in her pantsuit and heels for an orange jump suit and a pair of Crocs.
ERIC
(walks up close to Elaine in mock sincerity)
Hey, soul sister, on behalf of all Trump supporters, I wanted to say thank you for your Jill Stein vote. That meant the world to us.. really. Don’t mind what people say. You keep going with your heart. You do you, girlfriend, you do you.
24
(ERIC Turns and jaunts away laughing, high fives Frank)
(Stage goes dark. Curtain Falls.)
25
ACT ONE
Scene TWO
JASON stands in front of ten focus group members sitting in director’s chairs at the edge of a women’s march protest the day after trump’s inauguration in January 2017.
JASON
(to camera)
Gooood afternoon, I’m Jason Proctor at Wexler Municipal Park where a local crowd has gathered in support of the worldwide Women’s March demonstration just one day after the inauguration of Donald Trump as the forty-fifth president of the United States. The demonstration is in support of several issues including gender equality, reproductive rights, and LGBTQ rights.
We’re here with a focus group of ten – some supporters of the demonstration, and others, detractors. These are the same ten folks we spoke to a few weeks back on election day who represent the full breadth of the political spectrum from left to right. Thank you all for your time once again.
Starting on the left, we have the Blue team – Elaine, Florence, and Lamar. In the center, we have the Purple team – Clara, Clayton, Cristy, and Craig. And on the right, we have the Red team – Rachel, Frank and Eric.
OK, let’s jump right into this. I see several of you are wearing these pink hats in support of the demonstration. First question is, what do the hats represent? Elaine?
ELAINE
Well, considering they’re called pussy-hats, they represent pussies.
JASON
Uhhh… better from your lips than mine. Wait, poor choice of words on my part. No pun intended.
FLORENCE
26
The pussy hats represent women’s unity and empowerment, gender equality and reproductive freedom. They are also a repudiation of our new president’s penchant for grabbing women by the pussy.
JASON
Ok then. Seems the p-word is completely off-leash. Clayton, I see you’re the only guy wearing a umm, pink hat. What does the pink hat mean to you?
CLAYTON
Ummm… it means what Florence just said. Women’s empowerment and gender equality. Also, on a personal note, Cristy asked me to wear it.
JASON
Wait a minute. Hold the front door. Are you and Cristy an item now?
CLAYTON
Well, yes.
JASON
You sly devil you. Congratulations.
Let’s see. Lamar, do you support the demonstration today?
LAMAR
Absolutely.
JASON
Ok, so why aren’t you wearing a hat to show your support?
LAMAR
Uhh. I fully support…you know..women’s rights and pussy and everything. Matter of fact, I’m a big fan of pussy, but ummm.. I’m just not comfortable..you know..wearing one on my head…at least not in public.
JASON
Thank you, Lamar. Big fan of uh, the p-word but will not put one on your head in public. I hear you and I feel you.
OK let’s get some thoughts from the Red team. Rachel, no hat. I take it you do NOT support the demonstration today?
RACHEL
27
I do not.
JASON
And what specifically do you disagree with? Gender equality, women’s rights, LGBTQ rights, reproductive rights?
RACHEL
I disagree that men and women are the same. I disagree with gay marriage. I disagree that people can change the sex they were born with. I disagree with killing innocent unborn babies because they are inconvenient to the mother. And I think it’s inappropriate to walk around with a giant vagina on your head.
JASON
OK, soooo much to unpack there. Where do we start? Let’s go with reproductive rights for four hundred Alex!
Abortion – one of the most contentious issues in American politics. There are several ways to frame the debate, but I found the most effective is to ask the following question: At what stage of pregnancy should the government restrict a woman’s right to choose an abortion. On the extreme right the answer might be from conception – no abortions ever, at all, no exceptions. On the extreme left the answer might be never – no restrictions, ever, at any stage.
Both these extreme positions are in the minority, with most Americans falling somewhere in between. And to be fair, even in the most liberal states, less than one percent of abortions happen in the third trimester, and almost all of those are for medical necessity. Let’s see what our panel has to say.
Rachel, at what stage of pregnancy should the government restrict a woman’s right to choose an abortion?
(RACHEL stands – 5. 22 Weeks.)
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5-22 Weeks
(Verse 1)
RACHEL
FROM THE MOMENT OF CONCEPTION
A NEW HUMAN LIFE IS FORMED
THAT IS WORTHY OF PROTECTION
EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT YET BORN.
UNLESS IT WAS CONCEIVED IN RAPE
OR DOOMED TO UNTOLD PAIN AND STRIFE
OR PUTS ITS MOTHER’S LIFE AT STAKE,
WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO END ITS LIFE
THERE’S A TINY PERSON INSIDE,
WORTH AS MUCH AS ANY OTHER
AND CANNOT BE CONSIGNED TO DIE
FOR CONVENIENCE OF ITS MOTHER.
(Chorus)
UNBORN BABIES ARE PEOPLE TOO.
WE MUST PROTECT THEIR RIGHT TO LIFE.
END ABORTIONS FROM CONCEPTION.
WITH THE RAREST OF EXCEPTIONS,
CHOOSING LIFE IS GODLY AND RIGHT.
(Verse 2)
FRANK
IF AN UNBORN CHILD IS TO BE
A SACRED LIFE FROM INCEPTION
THEN WE ARE OBLIGED TO AGREE
IT’S SACRED WITHOUT EXCEPTION.
NO MATTER HOW IT WAS CONCEIVED,
THROUGH MISSTEP, INCEST OR THROUGH RAPE,
NO MATTER WHAT THE RISKS MAY BE
TO MOTHER’S HEALTH OR MENTAL STATE.
ONCE THAT EGG IS FERTILIZED
IT’S GOD WHO GRANTS ITS RIGHT TO LIVE,
A RIGHT WE ALL MUST RECOGNIZE
THAT ONLY GOD CAN TAKE OR GIVE.
(Chorus)
29
UNBORN BABIES ARE PEOPLE TOO.
WE MUST PROTECT THEIR RIGHT TO LIFE.
END ABORTIONS FROM CONCEPTION,
ALLOWING ZERO EXCEPTIONS.
KILLING BABIES IS NEVER RIGHT.
(Verse 3)
FLORENCE
WOMEN ARE PEOPLE LAST I CHECKED,
WITH THEIR OWN BODIES, MINDS, AND HEARTS,
THEIR OWN SOULS AND WITH DUE RESPECT,
THEIR OWN DAMNED REPRODUCTIVE PARTS.
WE GET PREGNANT AND WE GIVE BIRTH.
MEN DICTATING TERMS IS ABSURD.
WE TAKE ADVICE FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH,
BUT WOMEN MUST HAVE THE LAST WORD.
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT, I PREDICT
THEY’D FIGHT TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH,
AGAINST ALL ATTEMPTS TO RESTRICT
ABORTION ON DEMAND ‘TIL BIRTH.
(Chorus)
WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO.
WE MUST PROTECT OUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE
AN ABORTION AT ANY TIME
FOR ANY REASON, ANY RHYME.
WE MUST STAND UP AND FIGHT OR LOSE.
(Verse 4)
CLARA
RIGHT TO CHOOSE IS ALL ABOUT US,
BUT AT SOME POINT WE MUST ADMIT
A FETUS BECOMES MORE THAN JUST
A LIFE WE CAN SIMPLY DISMISS.
FAR ALONG IN A PREGNANCY,
ABORTIONS BECOME FAIRLY GRIM.
SO, CHOOSING TO DO ONE SHOULD BE
MUCH MORE THAN A LARK OR A WHIM.
(Chorus)
30
WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO.
PROTECT OUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE.
ABORTIONS WITH NO RESTRICTION
UNTIL 6 MONTHS OF GESTATION,
THEN REQUIRE A GOOD EXCUSE.
FRANK
There is no good excuse to murder a baby. Let’s not kid ourselves. That’s what abortion is – murdering babies!
FLORENCE
Really? And from what fountain of wisdom did you drink that Kool-Aid? Wait, don’t tell me. You’re Catholic, aren’t you?
FRANK
I am Catholic and proud of it. My fountain of wisdom is God.
FLORENCE
No Frank, your fountain of wisdom is not God. It’s a bunch of old white men in gaudy religious drag who claim to speak for God. So, until they can get pregnant and give birth, none of them is an authority on abortion. We will not allow the pious thoughts and dictates of pedophiles and their enablers anywhere near our underpants. We are not helpless altar boys.
FRANK
You’re a vile, obscene woman.
FLORENCE
No, I’m just a woman. What’s vile and obscene is your answer to this question. A ten-year-old girl is raped and impregnated by her uncle. There’s a significant health risk to her and the baby if she’s forced to take the pregnancy to term. She’s 9-weeks into her pregnancy, the embryo inside her is less than an inch long, incapable of conscious thought, and the doctor recommends an abortion. What should we do, Mr. ‘No Excuse’?
FRANK
There is no good excuse to murder a baby.
FLORENCE
Yeah? Well, you’re a good excuse to murder an ass.
JASON
31
OK let’s lower the temperature a bit. The question was, at what stage of pregnancy should the government restrict a woman’s right to choose an abortion? Rachel says at conception with some exceptions. Frank says at conception, no exceptions. He also thinks Florence is vile. Florence says never – abortions any time any reason. She also thinks Frank is an ass. Clara says around six months or so – with some exceptions after that. Anyone else care to weigh in?
CRISTY
It’s twenty-two weeks.
JASON
Sorry?
CRISTY
I said twenty-two weeks. Abortion for any reason through twenty-two weeks, and then restricted to rape incest, health of mother, or viability of the infant. Twenty-two weeks.
(Verse 5)
THE FIRST THING WE ALL NEED TO DO
IS DEFINE WHAT A PERSON IS
BEFORE WEIGHING ONE’S RIGHT TO CHOOSE
AGAINST ANOTHER’S RIGHT TO LIVE.
A PERSON IS BODY AND MIND
FUSED IN A SENTIENT BLEND
OF FULL SELF-AWARENESS COMBINED
WITH A WILL TO SURVIVE AND TRANSCEND.
A WOMAN EMBODIES ALL THIS –
AN AGENT WITH PURPOSE AND THOUGHT.
SHE’S AWARE OF BOTH PAIN AND BLISS.
A FETUS, HOWEVER, IS NOT.
(Bridge)
IT’S NOT CONSCIOUS OR SELF-AWARE.
IT HAS NO MIND, NO WILL, NO CARE.
NO CONCEPT OF LIFE,
NO CONSTRUCT FOR STRIFE,
AND NOT ONE RANDOM THOUGHT TO SHARE.
STRONG MEDICAL SCIENCE HAS SHOWN
AT THE TWENTY-TWO-WEEK MILESTONE
32
A FETUS’S BRAIN
CANNOT CONCEIVE PAIN
AND IT CAN’T SURVIVE ON ITS OWN.
(Verse 6)
DESPITE OUR STRONG INTUITIONS
THAT FETUSES ARE PEOPLE TOO,
AND OUR INTENSE INCLINATION
TO MAKE TERMINATION TABOO.
A FETUS IS PURE POTENTIAL
WHOSE VALUE IS SET IN DEGREE,
FROM WORTHLESS UP TO ESSENTIAL
IT’S WHAT MOTHER WANTS IT TO BE.
FOR SCIENCE AND OUR FREEDOM’S SAKE,
REPRODUCTIVE CHOICES SHOULD BE
A CALL ONLY WOMEN SHOULD MAKE –
UNRESTRICTED THROUGH TWENTY-TWO WEEKS.
(Chorus)
WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO
PROTECT OUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE.
ABORTIONS WITH NO RESTRICTIONS
THROUGH TWENTY-TWO WEEKS OF GESTATION,
THEN REQUIRE A GOOD EXCUSE.
CRISTY AND CLARA
ABORTIONS WITH NO RESTRICTIONS,
THROUGH TWENTY-TWO WEEKS OF GESTATION,
THEN REQUIRE A GOOD EXCUSE.
JASON
Ok, Cristy. Since you’re the only doctor on the panel, and you’re a woman, I’ll let that be the last word on this topic.
Let’s move to LGBTQ rights. Last year the Supreme Court made gay marriage legal in all fifty states. Thoughts on that?
Eric?
ERIC
33
That’s messed up. The Supreme Court can’t force us to accept gays and lesbians getting married. God intended marriage to be between a man and a woman. I mean just look at our body parts and how they fit together. It’s obvious.
JASON
Umm. Can you expound on that last point a little bit?
ERIC
What, body parts fitting together?
JASON
Yes.
ERIC
Aw c’mon you know. Men are born with like a willy, you know, your junk, bratwurst, meatstick? And then women are born with like a Vajayjay, you know, a love box, hot pocket, baloney flaps, fuzzy donut, whatever. So like a man and a woman, that’s a meatstick in a fuzzy donut, touchdown! That’s how it’s supposed to be.
But then you got people who want to be different. If you got two homos, they got two meatsticks with nowhere to put ‘em except some disgusting unnatural places – ya know what I mean?
If you got two lesbos, they got two fuzzy donuts with nothing to put in ‘em. Either they gotta smash their donuts together or buy like a fake meatstick to make it work.
Then you got your bis. They like everything – meat sticks, fuzzy donuts, whatever – doesn’t matter, they’re ready to party.
Then you got your dude trannies who were born with like a meat stick and a daddy bag but don’t want ‘em. They want to trade ‘em in for a man-made fuzzy donut and a fake pair of milk sacks.
Then you got your chick trannies who were born with like a fuzzy donut and two milk sacks but want to trade ‘em in for a meatstick..
JASON
Yeah, yeah, we get it, very enlightening, thanks. Anyone want to respond? Elaine.
ELAINE
First of all, it’s not homos, lesbos or trannies. It’s gay, lesbian, and transgender.
34
ERIC
Hey if the strap-on fits – wear it.
ELAINE
Second of all, everyone should have a right to identify themselves by whatever gender they feel comfortable with. And everyone should love and marry whoever they choose.
Third, the only disgusting deviant out here is you. Nobody else is walking around with a gun like some fake wannabe soldier who is too chicken shit to be around regular people in broad daylight without a weapon. And until you grow a meatstick, you will never get within ten feet of anybody’s fuzzy donut. Stupid.
ERIC
(pointing at Elaine)
Hey, don’t call me stupid.
JASON
OK, let’s stop the personal attacks and keep the discussion civil. Anyone else want to comment on LGBTQ rights?
FRANK
I have something to say.
JASON
Frank has something to say – I’m shocked. Go ahead.
FRANK
This all boils down to whether or not your sex, your gender, and your sexual orientation conform to God’s natural order, or if people are free to change any or all of these three things based on how they feel on any given day.
(FRANK stands up – 6. Not Enough.)
35
6-Not Enough
(Verse 1)
FRANK
EVERYBODY IS A MALE OR FEMALE AS SET BY YOUR GENES.
YOU’RE BORN AS EITHER A BOY OR A GIRL, THERE’S NO IN-BETWEEN.
YOUR SEX AT BIRTH IS WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE IT’S WHAT GOD ENDOWED.
AND THERE CAN BE NO EXCHANGES, RETURNS OR REFUNDS ALLOWED.
(Verse 2)
GENDER’S NOT FLUID, IT’S SET AT YOUR BIRTH TO REFLECT YOUR SEX.
RAISE BOYS TO BE BOYS AND GIRLS TO BE GIRLS AS THE LORD EXPECTS.
BOYS WEAR PANTS AND PLAY WAR VIDEOGAMES AND SPORTS WITH THEIR CREW.
GIRLS WEAR SKIRTS, BAKE CAKES, AND WHATEVER ELSE IT IS THAT GIRLS DO.
(Verse 3)
AS THEY COME OF AGE, BOYS AND GIRLS SHOULD DATE THE OPPOSITE SEX,
BOYS WITH GIRLS, THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE ONLY PATH TO THE RIGHTFUL STEP
OF MARRIAGE WITH ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN AS HUSBAND AND WIFE.
THEN HAVE CHILDREN AND RAISE THEM TO FOLLOW NATURE’S PATH FOR LIFE.
(Chorus 1)
THAT’S GOD’S PLAN, AND HE KNOWS WHAT’S BEST,
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH FOR THEM.
THEY WANT THE RIGHT TO PURSUE SAME SEX.
THEY WANT THE FREEDOM TO BE CROSS DRESSED.
THEY WANT THE OPTION TO CHANGE THEIR SEX,
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
THEY WANT TO MOVE THEIR DEVIANCY
OUT FROM THE SHADOWS FOR ALL TO SEE
JUST HOW FREAKY THESE FREAKS WANT TO BE,
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
36
THEY WANT TO PUSH FOR LAWS TO DECREE
THAT GOOD GOD-FEARING PEOPLE LIKE ME
MUST ACCEPT THIS AS HOW THINGS SHOULD BE,
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
THEY WANT TRANS WOMEN TO GO COMPETE
AGAINST NATURAL BORN WOMEN ATHLETES,
DELIVERING THEM CRUSHING DEFEATS
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
THEY WANT THESE FORMER MEN TO BE FREE
TO WIN GLORY WITH THEIR JACKED PHYSIQUES
AS THEY GLOAT OVER WOMEN THEY BEAT,
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
NO, THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
IT’S NEVER ENOUGH FOR THEM.
JASON
Thank you, Frank. We’ve come to expect you to raise the temperature of the conversation, and you never disappoint. Anyone want to respond?
Florence does. What a shocker. Go ahead.
(Verse 4)
FLORENCE
FIRST OFF, SELF-RIGHTEOUS BIGOTS DON’T KNOW GOD AND DON’T KNOW HIS PLAN.
THEY JUST BLOVIATE BULLSHIT ABOUT THINGS THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND.
WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE THEY DARE TO DICTATE WHO, WHAT, HOW, AND WHEN.
THEY THINK THAT FREEDOM ONLY MEANS FREEDOM TO BE JUST LIKE THEM.
(Verse 5)
SEXUAL EXPRESSION AND GENDER ROLES ARE NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL.
WHAT COMBINATIONS ARE ACCEPTABLE CANNOT BE YOUR CALL.
YOU ARE FREE TO BE YOUR STRAIGHT, CISGENDER, NARROW-MINDED SELF.
BUT THEN YOU CANNOT DENY THAT FREEDOM TO ANYONE ELSE.
(Verse 6)
37
OUR SEXUAL JOURNEY IS STARTED AND PUSHED IN PART BY OUR GENES.
THEY LAND US SOMEWHERE ON THE RANGE BETWEEN COMMON AND EXTREMES.
BUT REGARDLESS OF OUR GENES, SEX, DESIRES, PATH OR DESTINY,
WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE, AND DEFINE WHO WE WANT TO
BE.
(Chorus 2)
THAT’S OUR PLAN AND WE KNOW WHAT’S BEST,
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH FOR US.
WE ALL DESERVE THE BASIC RESPECT
AND FREEDOM TO EMBRACE AND EXPRESS
OUR CHOICES FOR SEX GENDER AND DRESS,
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY,
WITHOUT SHAME AND IN THE LIGHT OF DAY,
I AM WHO I AM, AND THAT’S OK,
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
WE WILL PUSH HARD FOR LAWS THAT DECREE
THE L’S THE B’S THE G’S AND THE T’S
HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS AS BOTH YOU AND ME,
BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
WE DO WANT TRANS WOMEN TO BE FREE
TO PARTICIPATE AND TO COMPETE
WITH ALL THE OTHER WOMEN ATHLETES
NOTHING LESS WOULD BE ENOUGH.
NOTHING LESS WOULD BE ENOUGH.
NOTHING LESS WOULD BE ENOUGH FOR US.
JASON
Thank you, professor. Anyone from the center? Craig.
(Verse 7)
CLAYTON
TO BE QUITE CANDID, LGBT FOLKS MAKE ME UNEASY.
THEY MAY EVEN MAKE PEOPLE LIKE FRANK THERE A LITTLE QUEASY.
FOR THE LONGEST TIME, UNEASY, QUEASY FOLKS LIKE HIM AND ME
THOUGHT WE COULD DENY LGBT FOLKS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE.
38
(Verse 8)
BUT LGBT RIGHTS AND RESTRICTIONS ARE NOT OURS TO GIVE.
THEY OWN THEIR OWN LIVES; WE CANNOT DICTATE TERMS FOR HOW THEY LIVE.
I’M STILL UNEASY, AND FRANK’S STILL QUEASY ABOUT GAY AFFAIRS,
BUT I’VE COME TO LEARN, THIS IS OUR PROBLEM TO RESOLVE, NOT THEIRS.
(Verse 9)
ON THE ONE ISSUE ABOUT TRANS WOMEN PLAYING WOMEN’S SPORTS,
UP THROUGH MIDDLE SCHOOL TRANS GIRLS ARE THE SAME ON THE FIELD OR COURTS.
THEN PUBERTY STARTS, HORMONES DO THEIR THING, MUSCLES AND BONES GROW.
TRANS GIRLS AND WOMEN GAIN AN ADVANTAGE, AND IT STARTS TO SHOW.
(Verse 10)
THIS TRANS ADVANTAGE MAY BE A LITTLE, IT MAY BE A LOT.
TRANS FEMALES HAVE IT, BUT OTHER FEMALES COMPETING DO NOT.
UP THROUGH MIDDLE SCHOOL IT DOESN’T MATTER, SO NO ONE SHOULD CARE.
BEYOND MIDDLE SCHOOL THE TRANS ADVANTAGE IS SIMPLY UNFAIR.
(Chorus 3)
THAT’S MY PLAN AND MY OWN WILD GUESS.
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR US.
WE ALL DESERVE THE BASIC RESPECT
AND FREEDOM TO EMBRACE AND EXPRESS
OUR CHOICES FOR SEX GENDER AND DRESS.
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY,
WITHOUT SHAME AND IN THE LIGHT OF DAY,
I AM WHO I AM, AND THAT’S OK
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
WE WILL PUSH HARD FOR LAWS THAT DECREE
THE L’S THE B’S THE G’S AND THE T’S
HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS AS BOTH YOU AND ME.
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
39
WE DO WANT TRANS WOMEN TO BE FREE
TO DO EVERYTHING EXCEPT COMPETE
WITH ALL THE OTHER WOMEN ATHLETES
THAT WOULD BE TOO MUCH.
THAT WOULD BE TOO MUCH.
THAT WOULD BE TOO MUCH FOR US.
(Finale)
LEFT
THAT’S NOT ENOUGH.
RIGHT
IT’S NEVER ENOUGH.
CENTER
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
LEFT
THAT’S NOT ENOUGH FOR US.
RIGHT
IT’S NEVER ENOUGH FOR THEM.
CENTER
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR US ALL.
LEFT
NOT ENOUGH
RIGHT
NEVER ENOUGH
CENTER
SHOULD BE ENOUGH
JASON
(To camera)
Well, there you have it on LBGTQ rights. The right says God’s plan is for everyone to be cisgender heterosexuals. That means if you are born a boy, you stay a boy and act like a boy. And when you become adults, the only acceptable sexual activity is the normal stuff. You know, one meatstick and one fuzzy donut, that’s it. No other combinations allowed. And finally, trans women cannot compete in women sports.
The left says everyone has the right to express their sexuality as they see fit. And trans women should be treated like any other women, including the right to participate in women sports.
40
The center seems aligned with the left on freedom of expression but want to see restrictions on transgender women in women sports.
That will do it for us here today. See you again at the polls in twenty-eighteen.
41
ACT ONE
Scene Three
Jason stands in front of ten members of focus group sitting in director’s chairs outside polling station on Election Day, November 2018.
JASON
(to camera)
Gooood afternoon, I’m Jason Proctor outside Polling Station Seven in Wexler County. It’s Tuesday, November sixth, election day twenty-eighteen, and we have a focus group of the same ten voters we met here back in twenty-sixteen. On the left-leaning Blue Team we have Elaine, Florence, and Lamar. On the purple team in the middle, we have Clara, Clayton, Cristy, and Craig. And on the right-leaning Red Team we have Rachel, Frank, and Eric.
Eric, the meatstick man. How ya doing today.
ERIC
Trump is president – I’m doing great!
JASON
Glad to hear it.
Anyhooo. Thank you all for coming out to vote and giving us some of your time. Since our last conversation nearly two years ago, a lot has happened on the political scene. The Trump administration has made significant policy shifts on immigration, climate change, taxation, and gun control, so we have a lot to discuss.
Let’s start with immigration. President Trump campaigned on the promise to build a wall on our southern border that the Mexicans will pay for. Citing security concerns, he has moved to restrict citizens from majority Muslim countries from traveling to the US. To deter illegal immigrants through our southern border, he has implemented a policy of separating families who entered the US unlawfully. The parents and children of these families are placed in separate detention centers with no clear process for reunification. He questioned why we allow so many immigrants from what he called ‘shithole countries’ like Haiti and African nations rather than places like say, Norway.
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So, first question for the panel is, how is President Trump doing on immigration so far? Eric.
ERIC
I think he’s doing a great job.
JASON
So, you support separating families and putting kids in cages?
ERIC
Hell yeah. You gotta have a deterrence to keep illegals from coming into the country. You gotta stop the flow. Plus, those families are not suffering that bad, and it was Obama who built those cages in the first place.
JASON
Ok you’re for whatever it takes to stop the flow of illegal immigration from the southern border. How about LEGAL immigration?
ERIC
You gotta stop that flow too. We got over three-hundred-million Americans in this country already. We don’t need anymore.
JASON
When you say stop the flow of legal immigration do you mean completely?
ERIC
Yeah, completely. We gotta take care of our own first.
ELAINE
That’s stupid.
ERIC
Hey! That’s the second time you called me stupid. Don’t make it a third.
ELAINE
Actually, I didn’t call YOU stupid this time. I called what you SAID stupid. Anyway. We should maximize the flow of legal immigration. Why not give as many people as possible the same opportunity we got?
ERIC
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Yeah, that’s real bright. There’s seven billion people in the world trying to get in here. Where we gonna put all of ‘em?
JASON
OK let’s dial it back a bit. Eric says stop the flow. Elaine says maximize the flow. Anyone else?
Clayton.
CLAYTON
We actually need the flow of immigrants to stay at current levels to sustain our economy. We should keep the flow where it is.
JASON
OK Clayton says keep the flow where it is. Anyone else?
(RACHEL stands – 7. The Flow.)
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(Verse 1)
RACHEL
IT’S THE FLOW!
ILLEGALS POURING THROUGH THE SOUTHERN BORDER
BY THE THOUSANDS DESTROYING LAW AND ORDER.
FRANK
SLOW THE FLOW!
THEY BRING CRIME, BRING DRUGS AND THEN GO ON WELFARE.
AND WE PAY FOR THEIR HOUSING AND THEIR HEALTHCARE.
ERIC
STOP THE FLOW!
THEIR CHEAP LABOR WILL SUPPRESS ALL OUR WAGES.
FOR DETERRENCE, PUT THEIR CHILDREN IN CAGES.
(Right Chorus)
RACHEL
IT’S THE FLOW – THEY’RE FLOODING IN DROVES THROUGH THE GATE.
FRANK
SLOW THE FLOW – OR THE PROBLEM WILL GROW.
ERIC
STOP THE FLOW – BUILD THE WALL BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.
RACHEL/FRANK/ERIC
IT’S THE FLOW, SLOW THE FLOW, STOP THE FLOW.
(Verse 2)
RACHEL
IT’S THE FLOW!
ALL THE INDIAN AND ASIAN FACES
TAKING HIGH TECH JOBS AND TOP COLLEGE SPACES.
FRANK
SLOW THE FLOW!
OF LATINOS SWARMING IN WITH BAD HABITS,
SPEAKING JUST SPANISH AND BREEDING LIKE RABBITS.
ERIC
STOP THE FLOW!
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THE COLLUSION TO REPLACE US HAS BEGUN.
IF WE DON’T STOP THEM, WE WILL BE OVERRUN.
(Right Chorus)
RACHEL
IT’S THE FLOW – THEY’RE FLOODING IN DROVES THROUGH THE GATE.
FRANK
SLOW THE FLOW – OR THE PROBLEM WILL GROW.
ERIC
STOP THE FLOW – BUILD THE WALL BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.
RACHEL/FRANK/ERIC
IT’S THE FLOW, SLOW THE FLOW, STOP THE FLOW.
(Verse 3)
RACHEL
IT’S THE FLOW!
IMMIGRATION THREATENS OUR COUNTRY TODAY.
WE MUST FIX IT OR GIVE OUR COUNTRY AWAY.
FRANK
SLOW THE FLOW
OF THE POOR, ILLITERATE AND THE LAZY,
THE CRIMINAL, IGNORANT, AND THE CRAZY.
ERIC
STOP THE FLOW!
OF IMMIGRANTS FROM SHITHOLE, THIRD WORLD NATIONS,
LIKE THE AFRICANS, AS WELL AS THE HAITIANS.
(Right Chorus)
RACHEL
IT’S THE FLOW – THEY’RE FLOODING IN DROVES THROUGH THE GATE.
FRANK
SLOW THE FLOW – OR THE PROBLEM WILL GROW.
ERIC
STOP THE FLOW – BUILD THE WALL BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.
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RACHEL/FRANK/ERIC
IT’S THE FLOW, SLOW THE FLOW, STOP THE FLOW.
(Verse 4)
LAMAR
IT’S THE FLOW!
IMMIGRANTS BUILT THIS GRAND COUNTRY OF OURS.
ENHANCING ITS CULTURE, WEALTH, AND ITS POWERS.
FLORENCE
SPEED THE FLOW!
OF THOSE WHO ARE READY, ABLE, AND WILLING.
TO STAFF ALL THE OPEN JOBS THAT NEED FILLING.
ELAINE
MAX THE FLOW!
BRING MORE OF THEIR ENERGY AND ZEAL ABOARD.
THE MORE THEY COME IN, THE MORE OUR OWN REWARD.
(Left Chorus)
LAMAR
IT’S THE FLOW – THEY’RE A PLUS SO OPEN THE DOOR.
FLORENCE
SPEED THE FLOW – SO WE PROSPER AND GROW.
ELAINE
IT’S THE FLOW, SPEED THE FLOW, MAX THE FLOW.
LAMAR/FLORENCE/ELAINE
MAX THE FLOW – THEY NEED US, BUT WE NEED THEM MORE
(Verse 5)
LAMAR
IT’S THE FLOW!
IMMIGRANTS CONTINUE TO MAKE US STRONGER.
THEY PAY TAXES AND WORK HARDER AND LONGER.
FLORENCE
SPEED THE FLOW!
THEY BECOME GREAT CITIZENS AND GOOD NEIGHBORS.
THEY NEED A WELCOMING CHANCE AND NO FAVORS.
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ELAINE
MAX THE FLOW!
BRING THE TIRED, POOR, AND HUDDLED MASSES.
THE VIBRANT, THE RICH, AND THE UPPER CLASSES.
(Left Chorus)
LAMAR
IT’S THE FLOW – THEY’RE A PLUS SO OPEN THE DOOR.
FLORENCE
SPEED THE FLOW – SO WE PROSPER AND GROW.
ELAINE
MAX THE FLOW – THEY NEED US BUT WE NEED THEM MORE.
LAMAR/FLORENCE/ELAINE
IT’S THE FLOW, SPEED THE FLOW, MAX THE FLOW.
(Bridge)
CLARA
SOMETIME PAST IN EACH OF OUR FAMILY TREES,
OUR ANCESTORS WERE NOT BORN HERE.
BUT THROUGH DESPERATION, DESIRE, AND FATE
THEY FLOWED TO THESE SHORES EVERY YEAR.
CRISTY
WE ALL DESCEND FROM THIS CONSTANT FLOW.
SO, WE ARE THE FLOW IN A WAY.
WE ALL ARE THE FLOW THAT BUILT THIS COUNTRY
AND SUSTAINS ITS GREATNESS TODAY.
CLAYTON
BUT HOW MUCH FLOW SHOULD WE ADD TO ENSURE
OUR TOMORROWS WILL BE AS BRIGHT.
TODAY IT’S ABOUT A MILLION A YEAR
THAT NUMBER IS JUST ABOUT RIGHT.
(Verse 6)
CLARA
IT’S THE FLOW!
A MILLION VIBRANT NEW SOULS COMING YEARLY.
A MILLION NEW HOPES AND DREAMS HELD SO DEARLY.
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CLAYTON
KEEP THE FLOW!
A MILLION NEW PAIRS OF HANDS TO START ROWING
TO HELP PROPEL THIS BIG BOAT THAT KEEPS GROWING.
CRAIG
IN CONTROL!
MAKE LEGAL ENTRY THE ONLY TRUE WAY IN,
AND LEGAL PATHWAYS THE SOLE WAY TO STAY IN.
(Center Chorus)
CLAYTON
IT’S THE FLOW – SO ESSENTIAL JUST DO THE MATH.
CRISTY
KEEP THE FLOW – AT ONE MILLION OR SO.
CRAIG
IN CONTROL – LEGAL ENTRY, THE ONLY PATH.
CLARA/CLAYTON/CRISTY/CRAIG
IT’S THE FLOW, KEEP THE FLOW, IN CONTROL.
(Right Chorus)
RACHEL
IT’S THE FLOW – THEY’RE FLOODING IN DROVES THROUGH THE GATE.
FRANK
SLOW THE FLOW – OR THE PROBLEM WILL GROW.
ERIC
STOP THE FLOW – BUILD THE WALL BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.
RACHEL/FRANK/ERIC
IT’S THE FLOW, SLOW THE FLOW, STOP THE FLOW.
(Left Chorus)
LAMAR
IT’S THE FLOW – THEY’RE A PLUS SO OPEN THE DOOR.
FLORENCE
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SPEED THE FLOW – SO WE PROSPER AND GROW.
ELAINE
MAX THE FLOW – THEY NEED US BUT WE NEED THEM MORE.
LAMAR/FLORENCE/ELAINE
IT’S THE FLOW, SPEED THE FLOW, MAX THE FLOW.
All
(Finale)
RACHEL/FRANK/ERIC
IT’S THE FLOW, SLOW THE FLOW, STOP THE FLOW!
LAMAR/FLORENCE/ELAINE
IT’S THE FLOW, SPEED THE FLOW, MAX THE FLOW.
CLARA/CLAYTON/CRISTY/CRAIG
IT’S THE FLOW, KEEP THE FLOW, IN CONTROL!
JASON
So, it’s all about the flow. The right says build the wall to stop illegal immigration and as for legal immigration, slow it down or stop it altogether. The left does not seem too concerned about illegal immigration and wants to speed or maximize legal immigration. The center says no illegal immigration and keep legal immigration in control at about a million people a year.
Let’s switch gears and talk gun control.
Every year there are about forty-thousand gun deaths in the US. We have twenty times the gun homicide rate of the European Union, and seven times more guns per capita. In the past few years high profile mass shootings have intensified the debate about proposed solutions to gun violence including universal background checks, red flag laws, raising the minimum age to buy a firearm to twenty-one, banning assault weapons and high-capacity magazines, and a national gun registry.
The question is, which, if any, of these gun control measures should we enact. Let’s start over here with the meatstick man, Eric.
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First of all, it looks like you’ve added something to your arsenal since the last time you were with us two years ago. You had just the pistol before. What’s this?
ERIC
Yep. This is my new AR-Fifteen. It’s got a custom buttstock, custom pistol grip and custom handguard too. Pretty sick right?
JASON
Pretty sick, yes, let’s go with that. So, the handgun alone was not enough for this election?
ERIC
Hey, you can never be too prepared, right?
JASON
Apparently not. Anyway, your thoughts on gun control?
ERIC
Second Amendment.
JASON
OK. Can you expand on that?
ERIC
Sure. A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
JASON
OK, that IS the second amendment, but the supreme court says the right to bear arms does not prevent the government from regulating gun ownership. Do you support universal background checks?
ERIC
Nope.
JASON
Red flag laws? Raising the minimum age to buy a firearm to twenty-one?
ERIC
Nope and nope.
JASON
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Ban on assault weapons, high-capacity magazines, armor piercing bullets, silencers?
ERIC
Nope, nope, nope, and nope.
JASON
Gun exclusion zones like schools and government buildings? Licensing requirements to carry firearms, national gun registry?
ERIC
Nope, nope, and hell no on the registry.
JASON
Should there be any restrictions at all on the type of firearms available, who can carry them, and where?
ERIC
The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
JASON
Should everyone be able to buy a machine gun?
ERIC
The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
JASON
How about a rocket launcher?
ERIC
Shall not be infringed.
CRAIG
Hold on. How about carrying the rocket launcher into a courthouse or a pre-school?
ERIC
Shall not be infringed.
CRAIG
Ok, hold on a minute. I support the second amendment too, but you can’t have every Tom, Dick, and Eric walking around with
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bazookas and unlimited access to all public spaces. That’s a recipe for anarchy.
ELAINE
No, that’s a recipe for stupid.
(ERIC leaps out of his seat, and points at Elaine)
ERIC
Hey, I told you about calling me stupid, didn’t I?!
(ELAINE stands with hands on hips)
ELAINE
And what you gonna do? Nobody’s scared of you.
(ERIC starts to walk toward Elaine. CRAIG moves to stand in front of Eric and blocks his path.
CRAIG
Hold on there, sir. I think you need to take a breath and have a seat.
(ERIC stops then walks backward to his seat while glaring at Elaine. HE points at her again.)
ERIC
You keep it up.
ELAINE
You need to sit down…
…stupid.
ERIC
(pounds arm of his chair)
God damit! You just don’t know!
JASON
(smiling)
OK, let’s dial this back to civil discourse please.
The question is, which, if any, of the proposed gun control measures should we enact. Eric’s answer is none. Anyone else? Elaine.
53
ELAINE
This is madness.
JASON
I’m sorry what?
ELAINE
This is madness.
JASON
What is madness?
ELAINE
This debate. This conversation is madness.
(ELAINE stands. 8. Madness.)
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(Verse 1)
ELAINE
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE SLAUGHTER OF BABIES
BY GUN TOTING MASS-MURDERING CRAZIES?
COLUMBINE TO VIRGINIA TECH AND THEN
SANDY HOOK, PARKLAND, AND THEN ON AGAIN?
All LEFT + Clara
MADNESS!
(Verse 2)
FLORENCE
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE FACT THAT GUNFIRE RINGS
IN A BAPTIST CHURCH IN SUTHERLAND SPRINGS,
AN ORLANDO NIGHTCLUB WHERE REVELERS MIX,
AND A CONCERT ON THE LAS VEGAS STRIP?
All LEFT + CLARA
MADNESS!
(Verse 3)
LAMAR
WHAT DO YOU CALL A HUNDRED DEATHS A DAY
FROM BULLETS CAUSING FLESH AND BLOOD TO SPRAY,
STAINING MEAN STREETS, SAD HOMES, AND CHURCH HOUSE WALLS,
SPREADING PANIC AND PAIN IN SCHOOLHOUSE HALLS?
All LEFT + CLARA
MADNESS!
(Verse 4)
CLARA
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE FLOOD OF GRIEVOUS HARMS
FLOWING FROM FOUR HUNDRED MILLION ARMS
IN THE HANDS OF THUGS, ABUSERS, VENGEFUL TEENS,
AND MONSTERS WITH HATE-FILLED, MURDEROUS SCHEMES?
All LEFT + CLARA
MADNESS!
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(Left Chorus)
All LEFT + CLARA
MADNESS!
WE KEEP DISAVOWING IT
WHILE THOUSANDS KEEP DYING.
WE KEEP ON ALLOWING IT
AND MOTHERS KEEP CRYING.
All LEFT + CLARA
MADNESS!
WE KNOW WE SHOULD STOP IT.
BUT WHAT’S SO DAMNED ABSURD,
THE GUN DEALERS’ PROFITS
ALWAYS GET THE LAST WORD.
FRANK
(Verse 5)
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE HYSTERICAL CLAIM
THAT GUNS, NOT PEOPLE, ARE WHAT WE SHOULD BLAME
FOR ALL THE THUGS, NUT JOBS, LOSERS, AND DOPES
WHO BREAK ALL THE RULES AND SHOOT OTHER FOLKS?
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
(Verse 6)
FRANK
WHAT DO YOU CALL YOUR SAD FAILURE TO SEE
THAT FORCING MORE GUN RESTRICTIONS ON ME
DOES NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEMS YOU’RE POINTING OUT,
OR REDUCE THE VIOLENCE YOU WHINE ABOUT?
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
(Verse 7)
ERIC
HALF THE GUN DEATHS ARE SUICIDAL ACTS,
HALF THE REST ARE BLACKS KILLING OTHER BLACKS.
MOST ARE WITH ILLEGAL HANDGUNS FOR SURE,
SO MORE BACKGROUND CHECKS OFFER NO REAL CURE.
56
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
(Verse 8)
ERIC
YOU FIXATE ON AN ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN.
INSTEAD, PUSH FOR BETTER MENTAL HEALTH PLANS,
MORE COPS, MORE JAILS, LONGER SENTENCING TIME,
AND FOR GOD SAKE REDUCE BLACK ON BLACK CRIME.
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
(Right Chorus)
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
FRANK
WE’RE MISDIAGNOSING IT
THOUGH THOUSANDS KEEP DYING.
WE’RE OVEREXPOSING IT
AND LEFTIES KEEP CRYING.
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
ERIC
THEY KNOW THEY SHOULD STOP IT,
BUT WHAT’S SO DAMNED ABSURD,
THE FAKE LEFT-WING PROPHETS
TRY TO GET THE LAST WORD.
(Bridge)
CRAIG
AS A COP I HAVE A FEW THINGS TO SAY.
I DEAL WITH GUNS ON THE STREETS EVERY DAY.
THE ANSWER TO GUN CRIME I’M THINKING OF
IS NOT THIS OR THAT, BUT ALL THE ABOVE.
RIGHT AND LEFT
MADNESS!
57
CRAIG
WE NEED BETTER MENTAL HEALTH CARE FOR SURE,
AS MANY POLICE AS YOU CAN ENDURE.
FOR GUN VIOLENCE, YES, ADD ON MORE JAIL TIME.
AND YES, BLACK FOLKS SLOW THE BLACK-ON-BLACK CRIME.
LEFT
MADNESS!
CRAIG
I’LL BACK THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS FOREVER.
FOR ALL LAWFUL CITIZENS, HOWEVER,
THE CLAIM WE CAN PUT NO LIMITS IN PLACE
IS JUST UNTRUE AND ABSURD ON ITS FACE.
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
CRAIG
FOR PUBLIC SAFETY, YOU CANNOT OWN MORE
RAW FIREPOWER OR WEAPONS OF WAR
THAN YOUR LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT BECAUSE
THEN WE CAN’T FORCE YOU TO FOLLOW THE LAWS.
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
(Verse 9)
CRAIG
YOU CAN’T HAVE TANKS, FLAME THROWERS, OR GRENADES,
NO ROCKETS, MORTARS, OR BAYONET BLADES,
NO MACHINE GUNS, OR ARMOR PIERCING ROUNDS,
NO SILENCERS TO MUFFLE WEAPON SOUNDS.
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
(Verse 10)
CRAIG
NO C-FOUR EXPLOSIVES OR CLAYMORE MINES,
NO ASSAULT STYLE RIFLES OF ANY KIND,
NO MORE THAN TWENTY-ROUND MAGAZINE CLIPS,
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NO AMMO FITTED WITH EXPLOSIVE TIPS.
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
(Verse 11)
CRAIG
A GUN IS MUCH MORE DEADLY THAN A CAR.
WHY WE REGULATE GUNS LESS IS BIZARRE.
WE SHOULD HAVE UNIVERSAL BACKGROUND CHECKS,
MINIMUM TRAINING AND LICENSING SPECS.
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
(Verse 12)
CRAIG
WE SHOULD REGISTER EVERY LEGAL GUN
AND RAISE THE AGE TO OWN TO TWENTY-ONE.
AND IF YOU BREAK BAD, WE SHOULD GET TO SAY
WHETHER WE COME TAKE YOUR WEAPONS AWAY.
ERIC AND FRANK
MADNESS!
(Left Chorus)
LEFT AND CENTER
MADNESS!
RACHEL
WE KEEP DISAVOWING IT
WHILE THOUSANDS KEEP DYING.
WE KEEP ON ALLOWING IT
AND MOTHERS KEEP CRYING.
LEFT AND CENTER
MADNESS!
CRISTY
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WE KNOW WE SHOULD STOP IT.
BUT WHAT’S SO DAMNED ABSURD,
THE GUN DEALERS’ PROFITS
ALWAYS GET THE LAST WORD.
LEFT AND CENTER
MADNESS
(Eric and Frank are next to Elaine by the end of the song)
JASON
Well, Frank and Eric, it seems you’re outnumbered seven or eight to two on this one. What do you think about that?
ERIC
(smiling broadly)
I like them odds. Long as I got the NRA, the Second Amendment, and this right here (taps rifle), were gonna be OK.
ELAINE
That’s just stupid.
ERIC
(instantly irate, turns to Elaine)
God damit! I told you not to call me that!
(ELAINE walks right up to Eric and leans in so her face is inches from his.)
ELAINE
And I told you I’m not scared of you!
(ELAINE and ERIC glare at one another for a few seconds and Elaine feints a lunge toward Eric. Eric flinches and steps back.)
ELAINE
Yeah, that’s what I thought, bitch.
(All other PANALISTS converge to separate Elaine and Eric. LAMAR restrains Elaine and coaxes her away.)
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(CRAIG ushers Eric away. FRANK and FLORENCE converge and begin to bicker. CLAYTON steps between them. STAN and JASON converge on the crowd and begin ushering panelists back to their seats. JASON and STAN walk to front of the stage to confer in a huddle.)
STAN
Jason, that was very Jerry Springer-ish. Next time we do this, we have to temper the discourse – turn it down some.
JASON
Turn it down? Are you kidding me? Stan, my man, this right here is ratings gold. We need to keep turning it up. Next election – same format.
(JASON smiles broadly. 9. Turn It Up Reprise.)
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JASON
BLUE CHAIRS FOR THE LEFT, RED CHAIRS FOR THE RIGHT,
PURPLE FOR THE FOLKS IN BETWEEN,
SOME OF THEM BRILLIANT, AND SOME NOT SO BRIGHT,
SOME HIGH-MINDED, SOME DOWNRIGHT MEAN,
SOME THOUGHTFUL AND INTROSPECTIVE,
SOME SHALLOW WITH NO PERSPECTIVE,
BUT ALL WILL FIT THE TRIBAL THEME.
ALL
TURN IT UP!
(Chorus)
ALL
TURN IT UP!
JASON
CUE THE MUSIC, THE LIGHTS AND THE VIBES.
ALL
TURN IT UP!
JASON
BRING THE PASSION, AND HEAT FROM THE TRIBES. .
ALL
TURN IT UP!
JASON
BRING THE RHYTHMS, THE BEATS,
THEN HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS
AS THIS VENUE OF OURS COMES ALIVE!
ALL
TURN IT UP!
Curtain Falls.
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ACT TWO
Scene One
JASON stands in front of ten members of focus group sitting in director’s chairs outside polling station on Election Day November 2020.
JASON
(to camera)
Gooood afternoon, I’m Jason Proctor outside Polling Station Seven in Wexler County. It’s Tuesday, November third, election day twenty-twenty – the final day of voting to determine whether Donald Trump will serve a second term, or if Joe Biden will become the forty-sixth president of these United States.
Over the past several years, the country has become more politically divided than ever. Many voters live in information bubbles where their views are reinforced and intensified, creating partisan tribes who are convinced the country would be in peril if the wrong candidate is elected as president.
Today we have a focus group of the same ten voters we met here back in twenty-sixteen and again in twenty-eighteen for mid-term elections. If our panelists are as divided as the rest of the country, this should make for a very stimulating conversation.
In the left-leaning Blue Tribe we have Elaine, Florence, and Lamar. In the Centrist Purple Tribe we have Clara, Clayton, Cristy, and Craig. And in the right-leaning Red Tribe we have Rachel, Frank, and Eric – all of whom have insisted on not wearing masks, despite a raging pandemic.
Let’s get right to it with a quick round robin of who you voted for today and very briefly, why. Let’s start with the Purple Team. Clayton?
CLAYTON
I voted for Biden because he’s experienced, he’s a moderate who will reach across the aisle to work with Republicans, and he’ll help bring the country together.
JASON
Ok, Cristy?
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CRISTY
I voted for Biden because he believes in science and has plans to deal with Covid and climate change.
JASON
Craig?
CRAIG
This was another tough one for me, but I voted for Trump again. I think he’s stronger on immigration, the economy, and support for law enforcement.
JASON
Back in twenty-sixteen you said Trump was not a statesman, but you thought he would become one after some time on the job. After four years how do you think he’s doing on that front?
CRAIG
As a statesman?
JASON
Yes.
CRAIG
Oh, he sucks as a statesman, but he gets stuff done.
JASON
Fair enough. Clara?
CLARA
I voted for Biden because he supports gun control and women’s reproductive rights.
JASON
Alright. That’s the relatively positive Purple perspective. Let’s see what the partisans have to say. Let’s start with Lamar.
LAMAR
I voted for Biden ‘cause Trump’s a racist gangster.
JASON
Well, if nothing else, you are consistent. Rachel?
RACHEL
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I voted for Trump. He’s not a racist, and he’s not a gangster. He’s a strong Christian leader and he cares about all Americans regardless of their race.
JASON
Florence?
FLORENCE
I voted for Biden because Trump IS a racist gangster. He’s also a corrupt, self-interested con man, a fascist kleptocrat, a cult leader, and a buffoon. If he wins again, our democracy may never recover.
JASON
OK, lots to unpack there, and we’ll get to some of it later. Frank?
FRANK
I voted for Trump because he’s an American patriot who is dismantling the deep state and restoring the country back to greatness. Biden is the buffoon. He’s a senile old politician who has sold his soul to the radical left. He’s a slave to identity politics, weak on immigration, and weak on the economy.
(FRANK points to Rachel)
And the only cult in this equation is the anti-American global elite leftist cult that you are in.
FLORENCE
No, the only cult in this equation is the one that goes out in public in the middle of a deadly pandemic without masks! What’s wrong with you people?
FRANK
(mockingly cupping his hand behind his ear)
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? You were muffled.
FLORENCE
Really, you think this is funny? Well tell me if you can hear this.
(FLORENCE stands. 10. What’s Wrong with You?)
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(Verse 1)
RACHEL
COVID IS REALITY, IT’S NOT A JOKE,
NO BIG CONSPIRACY, FAKE NEWS OR HOAX,
HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE GET INFECTED EVERY DAY.
TWO HUNDRED FIFTY THOUSAND HAVE ALREADY PASSED AWAY.
YET YOU DON’T WEAR MASKS AT PUBLIC EVENTS,
THEN WONDER IN STUPEFYING SUSPENSE
WHY YOU DIE GASPING IN HURT AND PIAN
LIKE THE TRAGIC TALE OF HERMAN CAIN.
WHILE PEOPLE ARE DYING, LOVED ONES ARE CRYING,
FIRST RESPONDERS TRYING TO DO THEIR VERY BEST,
YOU’RE NON-COMPLYING, CONSISTENTLY DENYING
REALITY AT DONALD TRUMP’S BEHEST.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
(Verse 2)
LAMAR
THIS FOOL WAS RECKLESS, MASKS HE REJECTED,
GOT SO INFECTED HE ALMOST DIED
BUT THEN HE WAS INJECTED – (ELAINE) YOU KNOW HE WAS.
WITH THE BEST DRUGS EXPECTED – (ELAINE)YOU KNOW IT CUZ.
ALL THE WHILE TAKING YOU FOOLS FOR A RIDE.
FIRST, HE SAID TAKE HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE,
THEN HE TRIED TO SELL YOU IVERMECTIN.
NEITHER WAS APPROVED BY THE FDA
FOR PEOPLE TO USE IN ANY KIND OF WAY
FOR COVID PREVENTION, OR FOR A CURE.
YOU KNOW HIS INTENTIONS WERE NEVER PURE.
BUT THEN HE WENT FULL BAT SHIT CRAY CRAY.
STOOD UP AND HE TOLD THE WHOLE WORLD ONE DAY
INGEST OR INJECT A BLEACH IN SOME WAY
TO JUST DISINFECT THE VIRUS AWAY
THEN TO DISPLAY THE WILD THOUGHTS IN HIS HEAD,
THE SELF-PROCLAIMED GENIUS ACTUALLY SAID,
GO INSIDE THE BODY WITH A POWERFUL LIGHT,
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TURN IT ON AND THEN MAKE IT SHINE REAL BRIGHT,
AND KILL ALL THE COVID COOTIES IN SIGHT,
AND YOU SIT THERE THINKING THIS IS ALL RIGHT?
JASON
Yikes. Looks like the Blue Team has no love lost for the POTUS Forty-five and is wondering if his supporters are of sound mind. Anyone from Team Red like to respond?
Frank. Shocker.
(Verse 3)
FRANK
FIRST OF ALL, COVID IS JUST A HOAX.
IT’S JUST A BAD COLD, FLU AT THE MOST.
THE CHANCE COVID KILLS YOU IS SO REMOTE.
BUT YOU CAN WEAR MASKS IF THAT FLOATS YOUR BOAT.
BUT MASKS DON’T WORK AS A MATTER OF FACT.
THEY WON’T SAVE YOU FROM A VIRAL ATTACK.
UNLESS YOU’RE TOO OLD, UNHEALTHY, AND FAT,
YOU’LL BE JUST FINE IT’S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
PROBLEM IS YOU SHEEP TRUST WHAT YOU SEE
FROM DR FAUCI, NIAID,
PHARMA, FDA, AND CDC,
CONSPIRING TO PROFIT FROM THIS DISEASE,
INFLATING THE DEATH TOLLS WEEK AFTER WEEK,
AND HYPING ALL THE STATS THAT THEY RELEASE.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
(Verse 4)
ERIC
AS FOR HYDROXY AND IVERMECTIN,
YOU’RE SO NAÏVE IF YOU’RE EXPECTIN’
TO LEARN ABOUT CURING THIS INFECTION
FROM BUREAUCRATS AND DAMN POLITICIANS.
THEY’LL NEVER TELL YOU WHAT THE REAL TRUTH IS
ABOUT EFFECTIVE DRUGS AND THEIR USES
TO CURE SYMPTOMS THE VIRUS PRODUCES
OR STOP INFECTION OR JUST REDUCE IT.
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THE DEEP STATE AND PHARMA COLLUSION
TO MISINFORM AND TO SOW CONFUSION
FEEDS YOUR OWN LEFT-WING GRAND DELUSION,
BUT WE’RE NOT BUYING THAT DAMN ILLUSION.
INSTEAD OF WONDERING WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME,
ASK WHY IT’S TAKING YOU SO LONG TO SEE
YOUR IGNORANCE AND YOUR DISHONESTY,
REFUSING TO ACCEPT REALITY.
YOUR APPROACH TO COVID, HONESTLY,
IS SMUG JUDGMENTAL HYPOCRISY.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
LAMAR
(Verse 5)
THERE’S GOT TO BE SOME KIND OF MISTAKE
WITH THE WORDS YOU STATE OUT YOUR MASKLESS FACE.
GIMME A BREAK, YOU’RE FAKE, A BIG DISGRACE
YOU TAKE THE CAKE, BY STRAIGHT GASLIGHTING UP IN THE PLACE.
WORDS LIKE DISHONESTY GRAND DELUSION,
POMPOUS HYPOCRISY AND ILLUSION,
MISINFORMATION, SOW CONFUSION
THESE WORDS LEAD TO JUST ONE CONCLUSION –
YOU’VE LOST YOUR MIND AND NOW YOU’RE PROJECTING
THE CULT BEHAVIOR YOU’RE NOW REFLECTING,
FLOWS FROM THE LEADER YOU HERE ELECTING.
LET’S CONNECT DOTS YOU’RE NOT CONNECTING.
TRUMP’S DISHONEST YET YOU ADORE HIM.
30 THOUSAND LIES TOLD IF NOT MORE, DAMN.
MOST OF HIS STAFF – ROTTEN TO THE CORE AND
THE HONEST FEW WALKED OUT THE DOOR MAN.
(Verse 6)
FLORENCE
LIKE TILLERSON, SECRETARY OF STATE,
CALLED TRUMP A MORON RIGHT OUT THE GATE.
JOHN KELLY, CHIEF OF STAFF, GOT IRATE
CLEANING ALL THE SHIT LEFT IN TRUMPS WAKE.
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GENERAL MATTIS, HEAD OF DEFENSE,
TOO WISE TOO STABLE, MADE TOO MUCH SENSE.
JIM COMEY FBI – SUMMONED BY THE KING,
TOO MUCH INTEGRITY TO KISS TRUMP’S RING.
THE REST OF THE TEAM – CORRUPT GRIFTERS,
ASS CLOWNS, OPPORTUNISTIC DRIFTERS,
LIKE SEAN SPICER AND HIS DAY ONE LIES
ABOUT TRUMPS INAUGURATION CROWD SIZE.
MIKE FLYNN SECURITY ADVISOR LIED
ABOUT NEFARIOUS MOSCOW TIES.
STEVE BANNON TRUMP’S RIGHT-HAND STRATEGIST
WAS AN ANTI-DEMOCRATIC FASCIST.
AND SO MANY MORE JUST LIKE THEIR BOSS,
INCOMPETENT OR ETHICALLY LOST.
LIKE RYAN ZINKE, AND WILBUR ROSS
TOM PRICE, SCOTT PRUIT, BETSY DEVOS
RICK PERRY, ELAINE CHAO, STEVE MNUCHIN
BEN CARSON, BILL BARR DAVID SHULKIN
KELLYANNE CONWAY, JARED, IVANKA –
ALL THE HAND-PICKED CRONIES WHO WANT TA
BILK THE SYSTEM THROUGH CORRUPT ABUSES,
TEAR IT DOWN AND RENDER IT USELESS
NOW CHECK TRUMPS OWN CHARACTERISTICS,
STARTING WITH HIS WHITE NATIONALISTIC
TENDENCY TO BE REVERED BY RACISTS
AND WHAT HE SAYS ON A ROUTINE BASIS.
LIKE THE CHARLOTTESVILLE CLASH HE DESCRIBED
AS VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.
HIS RACIST CONNECTIONS CAN’T BE DENIED.
HE TOLD THE PROUD BOYS STAND BACK AND STAND BY.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
(Verse 7)
LAMAR
NEXT LET’S SUMMARIZE THIS MAN’S CORRUPTION
FIFTY YEARS GRIFTING, NO INTERRUPTION.
STIFFING CONTRACTORS ON CONSTRUCTION.
SHAFTING INVESTORS AT HIS INSTRUCTION.
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PAST SIX YEARS THE SCAMMING CONTINUED,
SAME OLD CON MAN, DIFFERENT VENUE.
BRAND NEW ITEMS ON THE SCAM MENU –
FUNDRAISERS THAT THE FAT CATS WENT TO,
DONATIONS HIS CULT MEMBERS SENT THROUGH
GOVERNMENT CONTRACTS HIJACKED AND SENT TO
TRUMP PROPERTIES THE CASH FLOWED INTO.
POLICY AND DECISIONS GUIDED
BY THE BENEFITS THEY PROVIDED
TO HIM EVEN IF RESULTS COLLIDED
WITH US INTERESTS NOT COINCIDED.
TRUMP LOVES AUTOCRATS, THEY HELP HIM WIN
ELECTIONS, LOANS, AND CHIPS TO CASH IN.
RUSSIA’S PUTIN, NORTH KOREA’S KIM,
SAUDI’S CROWN PRINCE, CHINA’S XI PING
ALL HAVE THE POWER TO BENEFIT HIM
MORE SO THAN ALL THE LEADERS WITHIN
LIBERAL DEMOCRACIES WITH THE VALUES
TRUMP DESPISES BUT WE WERE USED TO –
LIKE FAIR ELECTIONS, AND A FREE PRESS,
RULE OF LAW, KEEPING POWER IN CHECK.
NO ONE BACKING ILLEGAL HACKING
OF EMAILS, SERVERS AND SHIT LIKE THAT.
NO ONE BACKING ILLEGAL HACKING
OF RESPECTED JOURNALISTS LIKE THAT.
JAMAL KHASHOGGI REST IN PEACE LIKE THAT.
TRUMP EXTORTED UKRAINE AN ALLY
STRUGGLING DESPERATELY TO STAY ALIVE.
HE WITHHELD AID THEY NEED TO SURVIVE,
PRESSURED THEM TO HELP HIM SELL A LIE,
ALL FOR HIS OWN POLITICAL GAIN.
HE LEFT AN INTERNATIONAL STAIN
ON THE REPUTATION U.S. MAINTAINED
FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS BEFORE HE CAME
TO SHAME THE COUNTRY AND ITS GOOD NAME.
SINCE YOU ELECTED HIM, YOU’RE TO BLAME.
BUT WE IMPEACHED HIS ASS ALL THE SAME,
AND YOU’RE STILL VOTING FOR HIM AGAIN.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
(Verse 8)
70
ERIC
OK CHECK IT.
THAT WAS A LONG ASS DISSERTATION
ABOUT YOUR STEADFAST CONSTERNATION
ABOUT TRUMP’S CORRUPTION, THIS AND THAT.
ABOUT HIS DISRUPTION, YICKITY YAK
(mock whining)
WHY DO YOU VOTE FOR HIM? DON’T DO THAT.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? YEAH QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.
(normal voice)
FIRST, MOST OF THAT WAS JUST FAKE NEWS.
WHINY DISHONEST LIBTARD BLUES.
BUT EVEN IF EVERY BIT OF IT WAS TRUE,
WE LOVE TRUMP ‘CAUSE WE DON’T LIKE YOU!
TRUMP IS ALL WE WANT HIM TO BE.
HE’S A GREAT BIG UGLY FIST THAT WE
CHOOSE TO USE ON A DAILY BASIS
TO PUNCH YOU IN YOUR SMUG-ASS FACES.
THEN WE SIT BACK AND WATCH YOU CRYIN’,
ALL THE WHILE LAUGHING ‘TIL WE’RE DYIN’.
TRUMP’S MY FRUSTRATION, I AIN’T LYING.
TRUMP’S MY HATRED, THERE’S NO DENYING.
TRUMP’S MY EMOTION MANIFESTED,
THE ONLY LEADER INTERESTED
IN HOW I FEEL SO I’M INVESTED
IN TRUMP FOR LIFE. MY CASE IS RESTED.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
JASON
Well, OK! No one can accuse this panel of being boring. The Blue Team thinks Covid is a deadly disease, Trump is a corrupt, self-serving, embarrassment to the country, and his followers have something wrong with them. The Red Team disagrees, saying Covid is a bad cold, liberals are delusional whiners, Trump is both a hero and the giant fist used to punch liberals in the face on the daily.
The Purple Team… Well, they seem to be both amused and terrified at the same time. Kinda like half-way through a three-hundred-foot bungee jump. You’re reeaaaly exhilarated, but also concerned you might soil yourself. Know what I mean?
71
Anyhooo, let’s bring the energy down just a little bit with this next relatively uncontroversial topic – police reform.
The killing of George Floyd six months ago, was followed by nationwide protests against police brutality, the resurgence of the Black Lives Matter movement, and calls for police reform, some going as far as saying we need to defund the police.
So, let’s start there. By show of hands, who thinks defunding the police is a good idea?
(ELAINE and FLORENCE raise their hands)
Ok, just the two of you. Elaine, when you say defund the police, do you mean defund them completely?
ELAINE
Yes. All that money we spend on police can go to fund better schools and social services to help poor people.
JASON
OK, and who will respond to traffic accidents, burglaries, civil unrest, and homicides?
ELAINE
Well, you don’t need cops for traffic accidents, you need the fire department or EMS. And if you put more money into schools and social services, you will have a lot less crime.
JASON
Elaine, I hear the words coming out of your mouth, but once again, I have no words of my own to respond. Florence, do you think police should be completely defunded?
FLORENCE
I don’t. I’m for partial defunding though. There will always be a need for some policing, but right now we spend way too much on it. We should reallocate a lot of the police budget to social services.
JASON
Okay, anyone else want to comment?
(FRANK raises his hand)
Frank. Say it ain’t so. Go ahead.
72
FRANK
Look, we can debate whether and how to reform policing, but the whole defund the police thing is just dumb.
(points to Florence and Elaine)
If those two want most or all the police in their neighborhoods to be replaced by teachers and social workers, good luck to ‘em walking to their cars at night.
JASON
Okay, no surprise there. Anyone from the Purple team on defunding the police? Clayton.
CLAYTON
I’d say defunding the police is an ill-conceived slogan and a bad idea.
JASON
So, on defunding the police, Elain says defund completely, Florence says defund partially, Frank says defunding is just dumb, and Clayton says it’s ill-conceived.
Moving on, let’s talk police reform. In light of all the high-profile police killings of unarmed black men and women over the past few years, some say the police are out of control and there is a desperate need for police reform and increased oversight. Others say a lot has been done to reform police already, especially after George Floyd, and the whole issue has become overblown.
So, thoughts on police reform. Desperately needed or overblown? Who wants to start. Lamar.
LAMAR
Every week we see a new video of cops killing black people for no good reason. Eric Garner, Michael Brown, LaQuan McDonald, Walter Scott, George Floyd. It seems like it gets worse every year. As a black man who has been stopped multiple times by police for no good reason, I think police reform is desperately needed.
(FRANK raises his hand)
JASON
Frank, go ahead.
FRANK
73
This whole police reform thing is manufactured hysteria. Police are out there doing their job the best they can, risking their lives every day to keep us safe. They arrest thousands of people without incident, but on the rare occasion things get out of hand because some knucklehead resists arrest and gets himself killed, the lamestream media runs the video on a loop for two weeks straight. This fools everybody into thinking this stuff happens every day. It doesn’t.
And by the way, they only show footage of black knuckleheads getting killed. There are a whole bunch of white knuckleheads who get killed by cops too, but you never see that on the news. That ruins the liberal narrative that cops are biased against black people. They’re not. They’re biased against knuckleheads, regardless of the color of their skin.
LAMAR
You can’t be serious. How do you explain the fact that black people are twice as likely to get shot and killed by police than white people?
FRANK
Well, that’s easy. Black people are twice as likely to commit violent crimes and twice as likely to be a knucklehead.
LAMAR
That’s racist!
FRANK
No, sir. That’s fact. Look it up.
JASON
All right gentlemen let’s dial it back a bit. Let’s hear from the Purple Team on this. Craig, as the only law enforcement officer on the panel, you’ve been oddly quiet so far. Any thoughts?
CRAIG
Yeah, I’ve got a few.
JASON
Okaaay. Any you care to share?
CRAIG
(sighs)
74
Well. Let’s start off with a few stats. Police perform ten million arrests every year. Two million of those arrests require use of force…
ERIC
Yup. There’s your knucklehead rate right there – twenty percent.
(laughs)
CRAIG
… Anyway, of those two million uses of force, about one thousand result in a fatality. Of the one thousand fatalities, only about sixty of them are unarmed. We kill sixty unarmed people a year. About twenty of those sixty are black. That’s twenty unarmed black people a year out of the forty-million black people in the U.S. If you are an unarmed black person, the likelihood of being killed by the police is less than one in a million. You are over ten thousand times more likely to be killed in a car crash over the course of a year than killed by a policeman if you are unarmed.
But as unlikely as it is to get killed by a policeman, there IS something everyone can do to make it virtually impossible to get killed, or tased, or beaten, or even wrestled to the ground. It’s a technique that anyone can use to prevent almost all police use of force against you. It’s simple, foolproof, and works no matter what kind of police you’re dealing with. You do this one thing and there is practically no chance any policeman will resort to violence against you.
JASON
(after five seconds waiting for Craig to say what the ‘one thing’ is)
Well, what is it?
CRAIG
Comply.
JASON
What?
CRAIG
Just comply.
(CRAIG Stands. 11. Just Comply.)
75
11-Just Comply
(Verse 1)
CRAIG
SOME FOLKS BELIEVE THAT MOST POLICE
ARE MALADJUSTED AND MISBEHAVE,
MOTIVATED BY FOLKS WE HATE
AND THE POWER WE SEEM TO CRAVE.
I AM CONVINCED THAT MOST POLICE
ARE DISCIPLINED, HONEST, AND BRAVE,
MOTIVATED BY FOLKS WE SERVE
AND BY THE LIVES WE HELP TO SAVE.
(Verse 2)
WHETHER MOSTLY GOOD, MOSTLY BAD,
MOSTLY POLITE OR MOSTLY RUDE,
WHENEVER WE ENGAGE WITH YOU
THERE’S ONE KEY THING YOU OUGHT TO DO.
IT REQUIRES NO GREAT FEAT OF STRENGTH,
NO TOUGH CONCEPT YOU MUST THINK THROUGH.
IT’S SIMPLE, EASY, EFFORTLESS,
AND PREVENTS COPS FROM HARMING YOU.
(Chorus 1)
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
IF MY LIGHTS ARE FLASHING BEHIND YOU,
DON’T KEEP DRIVING LIKE THERE’S NOTHING WRONG.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
IF I ASK FOR DOCUMENTATION,
DON’T PLAY GAMES, OBFUSCATE OR PROLONG.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
76
IF I TELL YOU STEP OUT OF THE CAR.
YOU MAY ASK WHY, AND I’LL PLAY ALONG.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
I’LL TELL YOU WHY, BUT IF I REPEAT
MY COMMAND TO STEP OUT CLEAR AND STRONG,
DON’T DEBATE WITH ME WHILE IN THE STREET,
SUCH DEBATES WILL NOT LAST VERY LONG.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
(Verse 3)
CRAIG
SOME FOLKS BELIEVE THAT MOST POLICE
SYMPATHIZE WITH THE KU KLUX KLAN,
AND HAVE GOALS TO ARREST AND KILL
AS MANY BLACK FOLKS AS WE CAN.
I AM CONVINCED THAT MOST POLICE
ARE FAIR AND WE DON’T GIVE A DAMN
ABOUT RACE WHEN JUDGING PEOPLE,
JUST THEIR CHARACTER AS IT STANDS.
(Verse 4)
BUT WHETHER POLICE TEND TO BE
KLAN SUPPORTERS OR COLOR BLIND,
ALL ARE CHARGED WITH ENFORCING LAW,
AND ON THAT POINT, WE ARE ALIGNED.
SO, WHEN COPS GIVE YOU A COMMAND,
DON’T OVERTHINK AND GET IN A BIND.
DO THE ONE THING THAT’S SURE TO PREVENT
GETTING ROUGHED UP, BRUISED, AND CONFINED.
(Chorus 2)
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
77
CRAIG
IF I TELL YOU TO SHOW ME YOUR HANDS,
DON’T DISOBEY AND ASK ME WHAT FOR.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
IF I TELL YOU DON’T MOVE, JUST RELAX,
DON’T TURN, WALK AWAY, AND IGNORE.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
IF I SAY THAT YOU’RE UNDER ARREST,
DON’T RESIST AND THEN MAKE IT A WAR.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
RESISTING OPENS DOORS TO A PLACE
THAT HAS ONLY WORSE OUTCOMES IN STORE.
BATONS AND TASERS, BULLETS, AND MACE,
AND SOMEBODY’S BLOOD ON THE FLOOR.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
(Verse 5)
CRAIG
NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK OF US,
WE TRY OUR BEST TO FILL A ROLE,
REQUIRING STRENGTH, JUDGEMENT, BRAVERY,
PUBLIC SERVICE BEING THE GOAL.
A FEW COPS FALL WELL SHORT OF THIS
WHEN STRESS LEADS TO LOSING CONTROL,
BUT WE RESPOND, PRESS ON, REDRESS,
IMPROVING OUR TEAM AS A WHOLE.
(Verse 6)
78
AS WE LEARN, GET BETTER, AND GROW,
THERE’S JUST ONE THING FOR YOU TO DO
TO MAKE ALL OUR LIVES EASIER,
IT’S NOT DIFFICULT, IT’S NOT NEW,
IT REQUIRES NO GREAT FEAT OF STRENGTH,
NO TOUGH CONCEPT YOU MUST THINK THROUGH.
IT’S SIMPLE, EASY, EFFORTLESS,
AND PREVENTS COPS FROM HARMING YOU.
(Chorus 1)
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
IF MY LIGHTS ARE FLASHING BEHIND YOU,
DON’T KEEP DRIVING LIKE THERE’S NOTHING WRONG.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
IF I ASK FOR DOCUMENTATION,
DON’T PLAY GAMES, OBFUSCATE OR PROLONG.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
IF I TELL YOU STEP OUT OF THE CAR,
YOU MAY ASK WHY, AND I’LL PLAY ALONG.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
CRAIG
I’LL TELL YOU WHY, BUT IF I REPEAT
MY COMMAND TO STEP OUT CLEAR AND STRONG,
DON’T DEBATE WITH ME WHILE IN THE STREET.
SUCH DEBATES WILL NOT LAST VERY LONG.
CENTER + RACHEL AND FRANK
JUST COMPLY.
79
JASON
Okaay. On police reform, the left says it’s desperately needed. The right says it is not, and the center – well at least the cop in the center says, either way, just do what he says, and you eliminate the risk of getting a beat down or worse. Word to the wise.
So, polls have just closed out on the West coast. Let’s see where we stand with the election. Each candidate is looking for two-hundred and seventy electoral votes to win. So far, it appears Biden has two-thirty-eight and Trump has two-thirteen, with eighty-seven electoral votes that are too early or too close to call.
Swing states like Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and Michigan are saying they may be counting ballots well into tomorrow. President Trump is claiming massive voter fraud in several contested states so this thing could drag out for a while.
We’re going to wrap up our panel here by asking each panelist for final thoughts on the election in fifty words or less – starting with Elaine.
ELAINE
As a half black, half Latina, bisexual woman, this election is like a really big deal. If Trump wins, like, I don’t know if I could deal with that for another four years.
JASON
Eric?
ERIC
Trumps gonna win this election unless they cheat.
(To Elaine)
So, half ‘n half, if you can’t live with Trump, you may wanna start packing your bags.
ELAINE
Half ‘n half? Are you serious?
ERIC
Nah, just joshin’… …Mocha latte.
JASON
Alright let’s dial it back you two. Florence, final thoughts.
80
FLORENCE
The numbers are pointing to a Biden victory so our long Trump nightmare should soon be over. I’m ashamed that the country elected Trump the first time and shocked that it’s this close the second time.
JASON
Frank?
FRANK
The only way Trump loses to Sleepy Joe Biden is if the election is rigged. If that happens, there’s gonna be hell to pay.
JASON
Lamar?
LAMAR
Trump’s gonna lose this election but he’s not gonna leave… …‘cause he’s a racist gangster. You watch.
JASON
Rachel?
RACHEL
President Trump is God’s choice for president, so he’s going to win again.
JASON
Clara and then Clayton.
CLARA
Whoever wins, I hope they start to bring the country together.
CLAYTON
I agree, and I think Biden will do a better job at that than Trump.
JASON
Cristy?
CRISTY
I hope the country can heal after this election, but I’m afraid a lot of people have become so politically tribal that hurting the opposition is now more important to them than helping the country.
81
JASON
And Craig, you get the last word.
CRAIG
Whoever wins, support your local police. We’re good people in general, and getting better every year. Without police, you get no justice, no peace, no law and order, and no one to answer the call for help.
JASON
And just comply, right?
CRAIG
(Laughing)
That’s right. Don’t be a knucklehead. Just comply.
JASON
Alright, thank you panel for another lively discussion.
This is Jason Proctor, signing out.
82
ACT TWO
Scene Two
STAN directs crew to arrange director’s chairs outside polling station on Election Day November 2022. Chairs are more stylish and expensive looking than before with brighter colors and shiny metal frames. in the background, voters stand in line to vote. JASON walks up to stan.
JASON
Stan, my man, the set looks outstanding!
STAN
You don’t think it’s too much?
JASON
Hell no. No such thing as too much.
STAN
Hey, you remember back in twenty-sixteen when we first ran this color-coded chair format?
JASON
Yep.
STAN
I thought you were nuts, but here we are, the highest rated exit poll focus group six years running. And because of that, you’re moving up to an anchor desk position soon. This may be your last field assignment – the last time we work together.
JASON
Hey, as a last hurrah, what do you say we go for broke on this one. Get the tribes to really go at it. Go out with a bang.
STAN
83
I’m OK with it but you gotta promise not to go full Jerry Springer on me.
JASON
I promise.
STAN
We came pretty close a couple times before and this year these folks probably dislike each other even more. They can’t even agree on a common set of facts.
JASON
No problem. I got it.
STAN
Well then, let’s turn it up.
JASON
(singing ‘Turn it Up’ chorus acapella)
CUE THE MUSIC, THE LIGHTS AND THE VIBES.
STAN
TURN IT UP!
JASON
BRING THE PASSION, AND HEAT FROM THE TRIBES.
STAN
TURN IT UP!
JASON AND STAN
BRING THE RHYTHMS, THE BEATS,
THEN HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS,
AS THIS VENUE OF OURS COMES ALIVE!
TURN IT UP!
(STAN and JASON laugh and high five.)
STAN
Well, it’s about that time. You ready to roll?
JASON
Yes, sir. Let’s do this!
STAN
(into walkie talkie)
84
Go ahead and bring out the tribes.
(to Jason)
You can start your intro when you’re ready. We’ll be all set by the time you’re done.
(JASON takes his position center stage to begin his intro. PANELISTS file onto set and STAN ushers them into their seats.)
JASON
(to camera)
Gooood afternoon, I’m Jason Proctor outside Polling Station Seven in Wexler County. It’s Tuesday, November eighth, election day twenty-twenty-two.
This mid-term election is an important one because it will determine which political party will control the house and the senate. For the past two years both chambers have had a Democratic majority and Joe Biden has enjoyed the support of a Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and a Democratic Senate Majority leader, Chuck Schumer.
The expectation for this election is that the Republican opposition will sweep into power in both chambers of congress in what many are calling a Red Wave. We will see how that pans out.
Behind me, our focus group of three liberals, three conservatives, and four centrists are getting seated. These are the same ten panelists we’ve brought together every two years since the twenty-sixteen elections.
Each time we assemble this focus group the conversation gets more interesting as the worldviews of the various camps continue to diverge. The electorate was divided and tribal back in 2016. Today that tribal divide is so deep, there is very little the left and right agree on.
Each group has its own tribal information sources, its own tribal facts, its own tribal beliefs, and ultimately, its own tribal truths. How close a tribal truth is to objective truth varies. Tribal truth can align perfectly with objective truth, or it can be so far from objective truth it can be officially classified as batshit cray cray.
Since the last election two years ago, a lot has happened. A lot of tribal truths have evolved to describe all of it. Let’s get into those tribal truths right now. Buckle up. This should be a fun ride.
(JASON smiles broadly. 12. Tribal Truth.)
85
12-Tribal Truth
(Intro)
JASON
THERE WAS A TIME WE ALL GOT THE SAME FACTS
FROM JUST THREE CHANNELS ON TV,
THE SAME INFORMATION, DATA, AND STATS
THAT WE ALL COULD SEE AND AGREE.
NOW WE HAVE THOUSANDS OF SOURCES FOR NEWS
WITH HUNDREDS ADDED BY THE DAY –
FROM THE VETTED TRUSTWORTHY, SANE, AND TRUE,
TO THE FULL ON BATSHIT CRAY-CRAY.
WE CHOOSE INFORMATION SOURCES TO TRACK,
NOT BASED ON WHAT’S TRUE OR WHAT’S REAL,
OR WHETHER THE INFO IS REALLY FACT,
BUT RATHER HOW IT MAKES US FEEL
(Chorus)
WE WANT OUR FACTS WITH THAT FLAVOR
THAT TRIBE MEMBERS CRAVE AND SAVOR,
BUT TASTE BITTER TO OUR RIVALS.
JUST GIVE US INFO WE FAVOR,
NONE THAT DEVIATE OR WAIVER
FROM THE PARTY LINE AND THE TRIBAL.
GIMME THAT PARTISAN KOOL-AID,
ECHO CHAMBER HARD LEMONADE,
THAT FULLY BIASED GIN AND JUICE,
GROUPTHINK VODKA AND GATORADE,
FILL MY CUP, I AM NOT AFRAID.
GIMME THAT GOOD OL’ TRIBAL TRUTH.
OK let’s try this out. Red Tribe – gimme some good ol’ tribal truth about whether the twenty-twenty election was fair or rigged. Hit me!
(Verse 1)
FRANK
GOOD GOD, THE TRUTH IS JUST AS CLEAR AS DAY.
THE ELECTION WAS JUST A FRAUD.
IT WAS RIGGED, STOLEN AND TAKEN AWAY
BY FORCES AT HOME AND ABROAD.
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YOU GOT BIG CITY FOLKS WHO LIKE TO CHEAT,
STUFFING BALLOTS LATE IN THE NIGHT
WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS IN THE COUNTING SUITE
TO MAKE SURE VOTES ARE COUNTED RIGHT.
(Verse 2)
ERIC
YOU GOT DEEP STATE ACTORS WITH FOREIGN TIES,
BILLIONAIRE BACKERS WITH THE MEANS,
ALL WORKING WITH THE BIG TECH CYBER SPIES,
SWITCHING VOTES IN VOTING MACHINES.
YOU GOT THOUSANDS OF THESE FAKE VOTES MAILED IN,
AND ILLEGAL ALIENS TOO,
CASTING FAKE BALLOTS THAT CHINA FLEW IN
USING PAPER MADE WITH BAMBOO.
(Verse 3)
FRANK
YOU GOT VENEZUELA INVOLVED AS WELL,
THE DETAILS ARE NOT QUITE RESOLVED.
DON’T KNOW WHY OR HOW, ONLY TIME WILL TELL,
BUT WE’RE DAMNED SURE THEY WERE INVOLVED.
YOU GOT PILES OF EVIDENCE, TONS OF FACTS.
IF YOU TAKE ALL THE CHEATING OUT,
TAKE ALL FAKE AND FRAUDULENT BALLOTS BACK,
TRUMP WON THAT ELECTION, NO DOUBT.
(Verse 4)
RACHEL
TRUMP HAD BIGGER RALLIES, TOLD BETTER JOKES,
HAD THE BEST PEOPLE BACKING HIM.
CHRISTIANS, CONSERVATIVES, BLUE COLLAR FOLKS,
EVEN GOD WANTED TRUMP TO WIN.
THE ONLY WAY HE LOST TO SLEEPY JOE
WAS THROUGH FRAUD BUT THAT WON’T ENDURE.
ALL WILL BE EXPOSED, AND WE ALL WILL KNOW
THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED FOR SURE.
JASON
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Now that’s what I’m talking about!
(Chorus)
THAT WAS THAT PARTISAN KOOL-AID,
ECHO CHAMBER HARD LEMONADE,
THAT FULLY BIASED GIN AND JUICE,
GROUPTHINK VODKA AND GATORADE.
FILL MY CUP, I AM NOT AFRAID
THAT WAS THAT GOOD OL’ TRIBAL TRUTH.
OK, Blue Team – Give me some good ol’ Tribal Truth on the twenty-twenty Election. Fair or rigged?
(Verse 5)
FLORENCE
GOOD GOD, THE TRUTH IS NOT TRIBAL ON THIS.
THE TRUTH IS JUST TRUTH IF YOU’RE SANE.
BUT IF YOU’RE SICK WITH THE MAGA VIRUS,
REAL TRUTH CAN’T SURVIVE IN YOUR BRAIN.
BIDEN BEAT TRUMP THE ELECTION WAS FAIR.
SO SAID TRUMP’S OWN FAVORITE DAUGHTER,
SO SAID TRUMP’S VP, TRUMP’S CAMPAIGN CHAIR,
TRUMP STAFFERS AND WHITE HOUSE LAWYERS.
(Verse 6)
SO SAID THE CYBERSECURITY GUY
WHO SAID IT WAS THE MOST SECURE.
SO SAID THE DOJ, THE FBI,
AND SO SAID BILL BARR, TO BE SURE.
SO SAID THE POLLS BEFORE THE ELECTION,
WITH BIDEN UP FOUR POINTS OR MORE.
SO, WHAT’S WITH ALL THE FAKE CONSTERNATION
WHEN HE WINS THE POP VOTE BY FOUR?
(Verse 7)
LAMAR
SO SAID THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE
WHEN MULTIPLE RECOUNTS WERE THROUGH.
BIDEN WHUPPED TRUMP’S ASS ‘TIL THE PADDLE BROKE,
THREE-O-SIX TO TWO-THIRTY-TWO.
TRUMP CHALLENGED THE RESULTS IN COURT AND TRIED
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SIXTY TIMES, BUT IN EVERY CASE,
THE JUDGE, EVEN ONES TRUMP APPOINTED, CRIED,
“GET THIS BULLSHIT OUTTA MY FACE.”
(Verse 8)
SO SAID THE FIFTY GOVERNORS WHO SIGNED
THE OFFICIAL CERTIFIED SLATES
OF ELECTORS OFFICIALLY ASSIGNED
TO REFLECT THE VOTES FROM EACH STATE.
SO SAID CONGRESS AT THREE IN THE MORNING
WHEN THEY CONFIRMED BIDEN HAD WON
AFTER THE JAN 6 CAPITAL STORMING
AND TRUMP’S ATTEMPTED COUP WAS DONE.
(Verse 9)
ELAINE
TRUMP KNOWS HE LOST AND THE PROCESS WAS FAIR.
HIS EGO’S TOO FRAIL TO CONCEDE.
SO, HE PULLED THIS BIG LIE OUT OF THIN AIR
THAT YOU TRUMP ZOMBIES NOW BELIEVE.
OR MAYBE YOU’RE NOT TRUMP ZOMBIES AT ALL.
MAYBE HE LOST AND YOU KNOW IT.
BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN EGOS AND GALL,
YOU PRETEND TO BUY HIS BULLSHIT.
(Verse 10)
YOU PRETEND THAT RUDI GULIANI AND
SYDNEY POWELL AND MIKE LINDELL,
TWO WINGNUT LAWYERS AND THE PILLOW MAN,
ARE NOT BATSHIT CRAY CRAY AS HELL.
YOU PRETEND THAT YOUR CORE VALUES ARE STRONG,
BUT YOU BETRAY THEM BY THE HOUR,
SELLING YOUR SOULS TO HELP AND GO ALONG
WITH TRUMP’S SCHEMES TO STAY IN POWER.
YOUR UNDYING SUPPORT FOR THIS MAN MAKES
EVERY ONE OF YOU A DISGRACE.
WHETHER HAPLESS ZOMBIES OR CUNNING SNAKES,
YOU’RE ALL SHAMELESS IN EITHER CASE.
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JASON
Ooooo we! That tribal truth had some kick to it.
(Chorus)
WE WANT OUR FACTS WITH THAT FLAVOR
THAT TRIBE MEMBERS CRAVE AND SAVOR,
BUT TASTE BITTER TO OUR RIVALS.
JUST GIVE US INFO WE FAVOR,
NONE THAT DEVIATE OR WAIVER
FROM THE PARTY LINE, AND THE TRIBAL.
GIMME THAT GOOD OL’ TRIBAL TRUTH!
Okay Red Team. How ‘bout some Tribal Truth on the January Sixth capital incident? Was it an attempted coup? A peaceful patriotic protest? A peaceful protest that turned into a riot? A false flag operation by the FBI and ANTIFA? Lay it on me!
(Verse 11)
FRANK
JANUARY SIXTH IS PATRIOTS’ DAY
BECAUSE PATRIOTS CHOSE TO FIGHT
AGAINST A DEEP STATE PLOT TO TAKE AWAY
OUR VOTES, OUR FREEDOMS, OUR RIGHTS.
IT WAS PEACEFUL UNTIL THE FBI
UNLEASHED THEIR CRUEL SUBVERSIVE PLAN
TO INCITE A RIOT, AND THEN STOOD BY
AS THE PROTEST GOT OUT OF HAND.
HUNDREDS WERE LOCKED UP BY THE DOJ
DESPITE THE LAWFUL PROTECTIONS
OF THEIR CLEAR FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT TO SAY
THEY REJECT STOLEN ELECTIONS.
JASON
Yea baby. That was grain alcohol grade tribal truth. That’ll put some hair on your chest. Blue team – January 6 – hit me!
(Verse 12)
FLORENCE
JANUARY SIX WAS A COUP ATTEMPT
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BY DESPERATE MEN WHO SET OUT
TO SUBVERT DEMOCRACY IN CONTEMPT
OF WHAT THIS COUNTRY IS ABOUT.
FROM THE DAY THE VOTERS EXPRESSED THEIR WILL,
TELLING TRUMP HE MUST STEP ASIDE,
HE AND HIS ENABLERS CONSPIRED TO KILL
DEMOCRACY TO SPARE HIS PRIDE.
HE SOLD THE BIG FAT ELECTION FRAUD LIE,
AND WITH HELP FROM FOX NEWS TROLLS,
GOP LEADERS AND THE PILLOW GUY,
THE TRUMP ZOMBIES SWALLOWED IT WHOLE.
(Verse 13)
LAMAR
THEY RALLIED AT THE APPOINTED HOUR
AND TRUMP TOLD THEM TO FIGHT LIKE HELL.
TO DO VIOLENCE TO KEEP HIM IN POWER,
AND THEY FOLLOWED HIS ORDERS WELL.
THEY ASSAULTED COPS THEY CLAIMED TO SUPPORT,
THEN SOME WHO WERE HARD CORE SCUMBAGS,
SULLIED THE SACRED LEGISLATIVE COURT
WITH SHIT AND CONFEDERATE FLAGS.
WE ALMOST LOST THE REPUBLIC THAT DAY
TO TRUMP AND HIS MAD FASCIST CULT.
THAT’S WHY THEY WILL SPEND YEARS LOCKED AWAY;
A JUST AND MOST FITTING RESULT.
JASON
Ok let’s do lightning round shots of single-verse tribal truth.
First round – describe President Joe Biden, the man. Blue team – go!
(Verse 14)
ELAINE
TOO OLD
FLORENCE
TOO CENTRIST
LAMAR
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BUT STILL A GOOD MAN.
ELAINE
TOO CHUMMY WITH THE OTHER SIDE.
FLORENCE
TOO MUCH OF A BIG TECH, BIG BUSINESS FAN,
LAMAR
BUT WILLING TO FIND COMPROMISE.
JASON
(speaking)
Red Team – Joe Biden, the man – hit me!
(Verse 15)
ERIC
MORALLY BANKRUPT AND CORRUPT AS HELL.
FRANK
PUPPET OF THE RADICAL LEFT.
RACHEL
HE’S OLD, INCOMPETENT, AND WEAK AS WELL,
ERIC
SIX MONTHS TO LIVE
FRANK
A YEAR AT BEST.
JASON
(speaking)
Purple Team – Joe Biden, the man. Go!
(Verse 16)
CLARA
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HE’S OLD BUT BASICALLY A DECENT GUY.
CLAYTON
HE’S OLD BUT SEEMS TO GET THINGS DONE.
CRISTY
HE’S OLD BUT EFFECTIVELY GETTING BY.
CRAIG
HE’S WAY OLD – PUSHING EIGHTY-ONE!
JASON
(Speaking)
OK second round – Joe Biden domestic performance as president the past two years. Blue Team – Hit me!
(Verse 17)
ELAINE
HE GOT US THE VACCINE IN RECORD TIME.
FLORENCE
GOT THE SPREAD OF COVID SLOWING.
LAMAR
GOT AN INFRASTRUCTURE BILL PASSED AND SIGNED.
KEPT THE ECONOMY GROWING.
JASON
Red Team – Tribal truth!
(Verse 18)
ERIC
HE LET FAUCHI SHUT THE WHOLE COUNTRY DOWN,
THEN PAID PEOPLE NOT TO WORK.
INFLATION SPIKED, THE ECONOMY DROWNED,
AND HE LET CRIME RATES GO BERSERK.
JASON
93
Third round – Joe Biden foreign policy. Blue Team – hit me!
(Verse 19)
FLORENCE
HE ENDED THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN
AFTER TWENTY LONG YEARS OF PAIN.
UNITED NATO AGAINST PUTIN AND
STOPPED HIM FROM ANNEXING UKRAINE.
JASON
Red Team – What cha got?!
(Verse 20)
FRANK
HE GOT MARINES KILLED IN AFGHANISTAN
BY RUSHING THEM OUT IN A WEEK.
HE BETRAYED ALLIES WHEN HE CUT AND RAN
LIKE A COWARD IN FULL RETREAT.
AS FOR PUTIN INVADING THE UKRAINE,
THAT’S BIDENS FAULT TOO, I’M AFRAID.
SLEEPY JOE WAS SEEN AS OLD, WEAK, AND LAME.
SO, PUTIN FELT FREE TO INVADE.
JASON
OK, I’ve got a serious buzz now, so I’ll let that be the last shot of Tribal Truth. I’m closing the bar.
(Chorus)
WE WANT OUR FACTS WITH THAT FLAVOR
THAT TRIBE MEMBERS CRAVE AND SAVOR,
BUT TASTE BITTER TO OUR RIVALS.
JUST GIVE US INFO WE FAVOR,
NONE THAT DEVIATE OR WAIVER
FROM THE PARTY LINE, AND THE TRIBAL.
GIMME THAT PARTISAN KOOL-AID,
ECHO CHAMBER HARD LEMONADE,
THAT FULLY BIASED GIN AND JUICE,
GROUPTHINK VODKA AND GATORADE.
FILL MY CUP, I AM NOT AFRAID
GIMME THAT GOOD OL’ TRIBAL TRUTH.
YEAH, GIMME THAT GOOD OL’ TRIBAL TRUTH!
94
JASON
So, it’s clear the Blue and Red teams have irreconcilable views of socio-political reality. Purple team, sorry I left you out of most of that last exchange, but I didn’t want to dampen the Red-Blue dynamic once it got going. That was like dropping Red tribal truth Mentos into a two-liter bottle of Blue tribal truth cola – wooosh! We all got showered by a geyser of conflicting realities. Anyone from the Purple team want to comment on what you just heard? Clara?
CLARA
If we stay in these information bubbles, the gaps between different tribal truths are going to grow. At some point these gaps are going to swallow all of us.
JASON
Clayton?
CLAYTON
I agree with Clara and want to add that some of the tribal truth gaps are on the verge of swallowing us right now.
JASON
Which gaps do you see as the greatest threats?
CLAYTON
Well, the twenty-twenty Election truth gap came within one Pence of ending the Republic on January six, twenty-twenty-one, and that gap is still growing.
We did not discuss the climate change truth gap. That’s a big one and that may have already swallowed us, but we won’t know it until a few major coastal cities are under water. By then it’ll be too late.
We didn’t discuss the truth gap for the importance of economic issues like income inequality, minimum wage, and taxation. That’s a big one that prevents low- and middle-income people from working together for their shared economic interests. Instead, they spend all their energy fighting each other over cultural issues that have far less real impact on their lives.
JASON
95
Clayton, that was a mouthful, especially that last part about economic issues. Let me get this straight. Are you saying folks like Elaine and Eric should spend more time fighting for economic policies that benefit their shared economic interests than fighting each other over race?
CLAYTON
Yes, exactly.
JASON
To be clear, you’re saying low- and middle-income folks of different races would be better off joining forces to fight for their common economic interests than fighting each other over cultural issues?
CLAYTON
That’s right.
JASON
Well, Clayton, that’s just crazy talk. You may want to find a good therapist.
Cristy. Your take on tribal truth?
CRISTY
I think a little tribalism is natural and can even be useful when fighting for ideals and beliefs. But when you distill tribalism in information bubbles to make the kind of tribal truth gaps we just talked about, things will spiral out of control.
(singing ‘Go Tribal’ chorus)
JUST BEWARE TRIBAL BATTLES MAY BE WON,
BUT THE TRIBAL WARFARE IS NEVER DONE,
TURNING TRIBALISM TO HATE FOR SOME,
AND HATE EATS YOU ALIVE.
WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW IS THAT EVERYONE
WANTS FREEDOM, LOVE, AND SOME TIME IN THE SUN.
WE’RE ALL JUST HUMAN WHEN THE DAY IS DONE.
MEMBERS OF JUST ONE TRIBE.
JASON
96
Those words were true when you said them back in twenty-sixteen and they are even more true now.
Craig. Your thoughts?
CRAIG
Yeah, this gap between tribal truths is tearing us apart. If we can’t agree on the color of the sky, the shit’s gonna hit the fan at some point. When it does, people with government issued uniforms and firearms are gonna be tasked with restoring law and order. I have one piece of advice for everybody when this happens…
JASON
No wait. Don’t tell me. I know this one. Just comply?
CRAIG
You got it!
JASON
OK, so Red and Blue teams, the purple team says the gaps between your tribal truths are so dangerously wide, they may consume us all. Whether it will be social conflict or environmental and economic catastrophe, we’re in some deep doo doo.
Any interest from the Red or Blue teams in closing some of these gaps?
Frank. What say you?
FRANK
I don’t know. Depends on whether the other side can come out of their liberal echo chamber long enough to hear rational voices from the real world. I seriously doubt that’ll ever happen but that’s up to them.
JASON
Thank you, Frank, for that wonderful olive branch. Anyone from the Blue team wanna..
(FLORENCE stands up abruptly and raises her hand.)
Florence, oh dear. OK seatbelts everyone, please keep hands inside the vehicle until we come to a complete stop. Florence, please go ahead.
FLORENCE
(addressing red team)
97
You know, each time we’ve done these forums over the past six years, I’ve tried as hard as I could to figure you people out and maybe find common ground. I am now convinced that’s a fool’s errand. You all are incorrigible, too far out there, you’re gone.
(FLORENCE walks toward Red team. 13. You’re Gone.)
98
13-You’re Gone
(Verse 1)
FLORENCE
I NEVER LIKED WHAT YOU PEOPLE STOOD FOR,
BUT AT LEAST YOU TALKED A GOOD GAME
ON RULE OF LAW, FAMILY VALUES, AND MORE,
BUT NOW THAT CHARADE’S UP IN FLAMES.
WHATEVER PRINCIPLES YOU USE TO CLAIM
ARE GONE AND WHAT DRIVES YOU IS CLEAR.
IT’S NOT RULE OF LAW, NOT VALUES, NOT SHAME,
YOU’RE DRIVEN BY ANGER AND FEAR.
ANGER TOWARD PEOPLE WHO PUSH FOR CHANGE
AND DEMAND EQUALITY TOO.
PEOPLE YOU THINK ARE UNWORTHY OR STRANGE,
‘CAUSE THEY DON’T LOOK OR THINK LIKE YOU.
ANGER THAT THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM
IS ACHIEVED MORE BY BEING BRIGHT,
GLOBAL, PROGRESSIVE, TECH SAVVY, AND GREEN,
THAN BEING CHRISTIAN, STRAIGHT, OR WHITE.
(Chorus)
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE TOO MUCH, YOU’RE UNSOUND.
YOU’RE GONE, OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF BOUNDS.
YOU’RE GONE YOU’RE OUT OF LINE.
YOU’RE GONE, TOO FAR THIS TIME.
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MINDS.
(Verse 2)
LAMAR
YOU FEAR YOU’RE LOSING YOUR RIGHT TO RETAIN
THE REIGNS OF POWER AND CONTROL.
YOU FEAR DEMOCRACY’S A LOSING GAME.
SO, YOU’RE READY TO LET THAT GO.
YOU’LL TRADE IT IN FOR A NATIONAL CULT,
A NEW FASCIST DICTATORSHIP.
TO HELL WITH VALID ELECTION RESULTS,
FAIR PLAY AND GOOD CITIZENSHIP.
TO HELL WITH TRUSTING IN INSTITUTIONS,
99
AUTHORITIES, AND THE ELITE.
TO HELL WITH THE COURTS AND CONSTITUTION
WHEN THEY BLOCK YOUR ATTEMPTS TO CHEAT.
TO HELL WITH THE SHAME OF SELLING YOUR SOUL
AND YOUR FAITH IN DEMOCRACY.
NOW ALL YOU’VE GOT IS A BIG ANGRY HOLE
WHERE LOVE OF COUNTRY USED TO BE.
(Chorus)
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE TOO MUCH, YOU’RE UNSOUND.
YOU’RE GONE, OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF BOUNDS.
YOU’RE GONE YOU’RE OUT OF LINE.
YOU’RE GONE, TOO FAR THIS TIME.
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MINDS.
(Verse 3)
FLORENCE
YOU’VE ABANDONED ALL THAT YOU USED TO BE,
OUT OF DEEP RESENTMENT AND SPITE.
NOW YOU DO WHAT FEEDS YOUR NEED TO AGGRIEVE,
RATHER THAN WHAT IS BEST OR RIGHT.
NOW HERE’S THE KEY IMPERATIVE FOR YOU,
YOUR PRIMARY RULE, AND THAT IS,
ABOVE ALL ELSE, IN WHAT YOU SAY AND DO,
TRY TO TRIGGER AND OWN THE LIBS.
SO NOW YOU MAKE IT A POINT TO DENY
EVERYTHING THE LIBS BELIEVE IN,
LIKE TRUTH AND EXPOSING TRUMP FOR HIS LIES,
HIS CORRUPTION, AND DECEIVING.
YOU’VE BECOME SCIENCE-DENYING MISFITS.
YOU EMBRACE WEIRD CONSPIRACIES.
YOU VOTE FOR LIARS, NUT JOBS AND NIHILISTS
WHO LOSE AND REFUSE TO CONCEDE.
YOU TALK ABOUT DRAINING THE SWAMP, AND YET
YOU VOTE FOR KNOWN GRIFTERS AND CROOKS.
YOU CLAIM YOU’RE DEFENDING FREEDOM, AND YET
YOU BAN ABORTION AND BURN BOOKS.
(Chorus)
100
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE TOO MUCH, YOU’RE UNSOUND.
YOU’RE GONE, OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF BOUNDS.
YOU’RE GONE YOU’RE OUT OF LINE.
YOU’RE GONE, TOO FAR THIS TIME.
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MINDS.
(Verse 4)
FRANK
WE’RE NOT CRAZY AND WE’RE NOT OUT OF TOUCH.
WE’RE NOT FEARFUL, NOT FULL OF SPITE.
WE’VE JUST PUT UP WITH YOU ALL LONG ENOUGH,
AND WE JUST STOPPED BEING POLITE.
WE’RE TIRED OF YOU PUTTING THIS COUNTRY DOWN.
IT’S BORING, ANNOYING, AND SAD,
HOW YOU BAD MOUTH ITS FOUNDING, AND YOU FROWN
ON ITS HISTORY, ANTHEM, AND FLAG.
WE’RE TIRED OF YOU ENJOYING THE FRUITS
OF OUR FOUNDING FATHERS’ VISION
WHILE YOU COMPLAIN IT’S EVIL AT ITS ROOTS,
WITH YOUR SCORN AND YOUR DERISION.
YOU LOOK DOWN YOUR NOSE AT ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE REAL AMERICA GREAT,
LIKE REAL HEARTLAND-AMERICANS,
SMALL TOWN VALUES, AND CHRISTIAN FAITH.
(Chorus)
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE TOO MUCH, YOU’RE UNSOUND.
YOU’RE GONE, OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF BOUNDS.
YOU’RE GONE YOU’RE OUT OF LINE.
YOU’RE GONE, TOO FAR THIS TIME.
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MINDS.
(VERSE 5)
ERIC
WE’RE TIRED OF YOU PEOPLE WHINING ABOUT
HOW BAD THIS COUNTRY IS FOR YOU.
SO, PACK UP YOUR CRAP, AND GET THE HELL OUT.
MOVE TO WHERE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.
FIND A PLACE WHERE THE RACE IN POWER
101
TAKES MORE OF YOUR CRAP THAN WE DO,
WHERE LIBERAL ELITES IN IVORY TOWERS
WIELD AS MUCH POWER AS YOU DO.
FIND A PLACE WHERE THE TRANNIES AND THE GAYS
ARE FREER THAN THEY ARE OUT HERE.
AND HAVE MORE RAINBOW FLAGS AND PRIDE PARADES
TO PARTICIPATE IN EACH YEAR.
FIND A PLACE WHERE LOWLIFE THUGS AND ZEROS
LIVING LIVES AS FAILURES AND FLOPS
ARE WORSHIPPED AS SAINTS AND HEROES
‘CAUSE THEY WERE BLACK AND KILLED BY COPS.
(Bridge)
FIND A PLACE THAT’S NOT A SHITHOLE NATION,
WHERE BLACK PEOPLE GET AN INVITATION
TO DO POORLY IN SCHOOL,
BREAK ALL THE RULES,
END UP LOOKING LIKE FOOLS,
AND THEN BLAME IT ON DISCRIMINATION.
FIND A PLACE WHERE IN ONE GENERATION,
A BLACK FOREIGNER’S SON CAN LEAD THE NATION,
SHOW BLACKS FOR EIGHT YEARS
TO OVERCOME BLACK FEARS,
STRAIGHTEN UP AND CHANGE GEARS,
BUT INSTEAD, BLACKS WHINE FOR REPARATIONS
FIND A PLACE AND MOVE TO THAT NEW NATION
WHERE YOU CAN INDULGE YOUR FASCINATION
WITH MULTICULTURAL STUFF
AND WHITES WON’T GET FED UP
AND SAY ENOUGH’S ENOUGH.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TRAVEL PREPARATIONS.
(Chorus)
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE TOO MUCH, YOU’RE UNSOUND.
YOU’RE GONE, OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF BOUNDS.
YOU’RE GONE YOU’RE OUT OF LINE.
YOU’RE GONE, TOO FAR THIS TIME.
YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MINDS.
102
(ELAINE walks slowly toward Eric. SHE closes gap between them to 20 feet during next verse.)
(Verse 6)
ELAINE
(to Eric)
WE’RE NOT LEAVING, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.
THIS COUNTRY IS NOT JUST FOR YOU.
IT WAS BUILT BY THE BLOOD AND SWEAT OF SLAVES.
IT BELONGS TO BLACK PEOPLE TOO.
(ERIC moves toward Elaine. HE Closes gap between them to 15 feet during next verse.)
(Verse 7)
ERIC
IF IT BELONGS TO YOU, THEN ACT LIKE IT.
EITHER YOU OWN IT, OR YOU DON’T.
REAL OWNERS TAKE PRIDE IN THEIR OWNERSHIP.
YOU BLACKS SHOULD DO THAT, BUT YOU WON’T.
(ELAINE walks slowly toward Eric. SHE closes gap between them to 10 feet during next verse.)
(Verse 8)
ELAINE
HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHAT BLACK FOLKS NEED
WHEN YOU KILL US FOR OWNERSHIP?
YOU’RE NOT PROUD OF THIS COUNTRY OR ITS CREED.
YOU’RE PROUD OF YOUR WHITENESS, THAT’S IT.
(ERIC moves toward Elaine. HE Closes gap between them to 15 feet during next verse.)
(Verse 9)
ERIC
BLACKS DON’T LIKE THIS COUNTRY. Y’ALL GOT NO CLASS.
103
Y’ALL ONLY GOT BAD THINGS TO SAY.
KILL TWICE AS MANY WHITES AS WHITES KILL BLACKS,
THEN BITCH ABOUT WHITES EVERY DAY.
(ELAINE and ERIC move slowly toward one another and close the gap between them to 2 feet during next verse.)
(Verse 10)
ELAINE
YOU’RE A WEAK RACIST SOLDIER WANNABE.
ERIC
YOU’RE A HALF BREED SEXUAL FREAK.
ELAINE
YOU’RE ON MY LAST NERVE KEEP ON TESTIN’ ME!
ERIC
I’M HERE SEVEN DAYS OF THE WEEK.
(JASON and CRAIG run and place themselves between Elaine and Eric. LAMAR runs to Elaine, restrains her, and begins moving her back toward her chair. FRANK runs to Eric, restrains him, and begins moving him back toward his chair.)
ELAINE
(yelling at Eric as she’s being pushed backward by Lamar)
Stupid ass white boy!
ERIC
(Yelling at Elaine as he’s being pushed backward by Frank)
I told you about calling me stupid, didn’t I?! You half nigger bitch!
(LAMAR stops pushing Elaine and turns toward Eric. LAMAR and ELAINE walk slowly toward Eric.)
LAMAR AND ELAINE
(simultaneously)
104
What did you just say?
(CRAIG steps in front of Lamar and Elaine and spreads his arms to stop their advance toward Eric.)
CRAIG
(to Lamar and Elaine)
Turn around and walk away, now!
ELAINE
(to Craig)
Naw. Let him say that shit one more time.
(to Eric)
Say it again, I dare you!
(ERIC pulls his pistol out of his holster and holds it down by his thigh.)
ERIC
I said..
(ERIC pulls the pistol slide back to chamber a round then holds the pistol down by his thigh again.)
..you’re a half nigger bitch, and I’m standing my ground.
(CRAIG, hearing eric chamber a round, turns to see eric holding the gun by his thigh. CRAIG pulls his own pistol and points it at Eric.)
CRAIG
(to Eric)
Drop the gun, now!
(ELAINE walks rapidly toward Eric. LAMAR follows and attempts to stop her.)
ELAINE
(walking rapidly toward Eric)
I told you; you don’t scare me!
CRAIG
Don’t do it, son, drop the gun, now!
(When Elaine gets within 3 feet of Eric, ERIC aims his pistol at her chest and shoots once. ELAINE falls. CRAIG shoots Eric three times in rapid succession. ERIC falls.)
105
(CRAIG walks rapidly to Eric while keeping his pistol trained on Eric’s body. CRAIG kicks Eric’s pistol away, turns Eric’s body over, and hand cuffs him. CRAIG walks over to Elaine’s body and begins administering CPR. Everyone gathers around to watch.)
CRAIG
Somebody call nine-one-one!
(Stage lights dim to silhouette level. Spotlight on Clayton and Cristy.)
(CLAYTON and CRISTY face the audience. 14. Turn It Down.)
106
14-Turn It Down
(Verse 1)
CRISTY
WHEN ANGRY VOICES RISE AND CONVERSATIONS FADE
OUR OPINIONS GIVE WAY TO BLOWS.
WE GIVE UP ON USING JUST WORDS TO PERSUADE,
AND WE CHOOSE VIOLENCE OVER PROSE.
WHEN THE TRIBES GO TRIBAL, AND LUST FOR WAR AND STRIFE,
WE TURN FROM CORDIAL TO PROFANE.
WHEN CLAMOR OF RIVALS INCLUDES INSULTS AND SPITE,
WHAT FOLLOWS IS DEAFENING PAIN.
(Chorus)
CLAYTON
TURN IT DOWN.
CRISTY
TURN DOWN THE STATIC, THE TENSION, THE STRESS.
CLAYTON
TURN IT DOWN.
CRISTY
TURN DOWN THE ANGER THAT LEADS TO REGRETS.
CLAYTON
TURN IT DOWN.
CRISTY
TURN DOWN THE VOLUME AND TURN DOWN THE FIGHT.
CLAYTON
TURN IT DOWN.
CRISTY
SO WE CAN STILL HEAR THE SWEETER SOUNDS OF LIFE.
CLATON AND CRISTY
TURN IT DOWN, WON’T YOU PLEASE TURN IT DOWN.
(In background silhouette, E.M.T. and police arrive. E.M.T. put elaine and craig on stretches and roll them away.)
107
(Verse 2)
CLAYTON
WHEN WE’RE COMPELLED TO FIGHT BECAUSE IT’S LIFE OR DEATH,
GO AS HARD AND LOUD AS YOU MAY.
IT’S YOUR DUTY AND RIGHT UNTIL YOUR DYING BREATH,
TO FIGHT FOR PEOPLE’S LIVES THAT WAY.
BUT IF IT’S JUST DEBATE, WHERE NO LIVES ARE AT STAKE,
AND NO IMPENDING DOOM IN STORE,
YOU SHOULD MAKE YOUR BEST CASE WITH HEARTFELT GIVE AND TAKE,
BUT IT’S NEVER WORTH BLEEDING FOR.
(Chorus)
CLAYTON
TURN IT DOWN.
CRISTY
TURN DOWN THE STATIC, THE TENSION, THE STRESS.
CLAYTON
TURN IT DOWN.
CRISTY
TURN DOWN THE ANGER THAT LEADS TO REGRETS.
CLAYTON
TURN IT DOWN.
CRISTY
TURN DOWN THE VOLUME AND TURN DOWN THE FIGHT.
CLAYTON
TURN IT DOWN.
CRISTY
SO WE CAN STILL HEAR THE SWEETER SOUNDS OF LIFE.
CLATON AND CRISTY
TURN IT DOWN, WON’T YOU PLEASE TURN IT DOWN.
(Spotlight on Clara and Craig)
(CLARA and CRAIG walk toward one another as they sing)
108
(Bridge Part 1)
CLARA
WE SHARE SO MUCH MORE IN COMMON
THAN THE FIGHTS TEARING US APART.
THE TIES BINDING US TOGETHER
CONNECT EACH OF US HEART TO HEART.
CRAIG
WE ALL SHARE A COMMON COUNTRY,
A COMMON LANGUAGE, COMMON CREED,
COMMON PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS,
AND COMMON DESIRE TO SUCCEED.
(Spotlight on Lamar and Rachel)
(LAMAR and RACHEL walk toward one another as they sing)
(Bridge Part 2)
LAMAR
WE ALL SUPPORT THE FOLKS WHO SERVE,
AND PUT THEMSELVES IN HARMS WAY,
SO WE CAN LIVE SECURE IN PEACE
AND PROSPERITY EVERY DAY.
RACHEL
WE’VE ALL SEEN US AS A NATION
DO GREAT THINGS AND SWELL WITH PRIDE,
THEN ALL TEAR UP WHEN RAY CHARLES SINGS
OH BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS SKIES.
(Spotlight on Florence and Frank)
(FLORENCE and FRANK walk toward one another as they sing)
(Bridge Part 3)
FLORENCE
WE ALL LIVE TO SEE OUR CHILDREN
START AS BABIES WITH EAGER EYES,
GROW IN SAFETY, JOY, AND LAUGHTER,
THEN MOVE OUT ON THEIR OWN AND THRIVE.
109
FRANK
WE ALL SHARE THE FORTUNE TO LIVE
AT A TIME AND IN A PLACE
WHERE WE’RE BOUND MORE BY IDEAS
THAN BY ETHNICITY OR RACE.
(Spotlight on Elaine and Eric)
(ELAINE and ERIC, now dressed in neutral light-colored clothes walk toward one another as they sing. OTHERS form choir-like semicircle behind them by the end of the verse.)
(Verse 3)
ERIC
YET WE IGNORE THE TIES THAT BIND US ALL AS ONE,
AND GO TRIBAL FOR TRIFLING THINGS.
PROMOTE HALF-TRUTHS AND LIES, SAY HURTFUL THINGS TO SOME,
ALL TO ENSURE THAT OUR TRIBE WINS.
ELAINE
IF WE MUST BE TRIBAL, CAN WE AT LEAST AGREE,
RED, BLUE, WHITE, BROWN, BLACK, STRAIGHT, OR GAY,
FOR OUR OWN SURVIVAL, ALL OF US NEED TO BE
MEMBERS OF ONE TRIBE, USA.
(JASON steps to the center. ELAINE and ERIC fall back into choir)
(Chorus)
ALL MINUS JASON
TURN IT DOWN.
JASON
TURN DOWN THE STATIC, THE TENSION, THE STRESS.
ALL MINUS JASON
TURN IT DOWN.
JASON
TURN DOWN THE ANGER THAT LEADS TO REGRETS.
110
ALL MINUS JASON
TURN IT DOWN.
JASON
TURN DOWN THE VOLUME AND TURN DOWN THE FIGHT.
ALL MINUS JASON
TURN IT DOWN.
JASON
SO WE CAN STILL HEAR THE SWEETER SOUNDS OF LIFE.
ALL MINUS JASON
TURN IT DOWN, WON’T YOU PLEASE TURN IT DOWN.
(Go dark. Curtains)
THE END
111
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